Dear Mum

It seems like a long time since i've sat down and written to you, I think about you every day and try and keep strong for the boys.
It was Theo's birthday on Saturday and I know you would have been there with us celebrating. I was so upset on the evening when the boys were in bed, I just couldn't stop crying. I miss you so much not having you around especially on occasions like that. I kept seeing you with us sitting on the bench smiling at the boys paddling in the mud, I could hear you saying to me 'Oh sunshine, you're getting so muddy!'
I went to the cemetery on Friday to change the flowers and planted the plant in our garden as it was still flowering. I'll be going again this Friday as it will be 6 years since we lost Dad. Time seems to have gone so quickly yet so slowly. I have been thinking about Dad today and remembering the last time I saw him, how he told me that Theo was just marvelous and how he so carefully touched his hand. I wish you were both still here, sometimes I feel very very alone without you. Auntie B has been so supportive and she rang me twice today because she said I sounded so low this morning.
I've felt very low and down...I need to let it out sometime though but try not to do it around the boys.

Theo had a lovely birthday though and Oli is very proud of his 6 year old brother.
I'll write again soon when I get chance to,
missing you Mum, love you so very specially
Your daughter forever
Ruth xxxxx

Dear Mum,

Why is it so difficult? I can't put into words how i'm feeling at the moment because it effects people who are still around, but why do I feel so personally injured when things are said. If you were here you would know just what to do and just what to say, I try and sit here and connect with you and try to hear what you are saying to me now, it's just so bl**dy difficult without you around to love me.
You loved me no matter what.....
You cared about me as you wanted to be cared for, unconditionally. We spoke about it often that there is nobody in this world that loves you the way you want to be loved. We were pretty much there for each other and now you aren't here I have nobody. Everybody has their selfish sides, I do my best to think about others and yet I sometimes feel that when things are slightly more complicated then we get forgotten about. You will know what is going on and i will write it down on my computer where nobody will read about it as I do need to get it off my chest.
Auntie Brenda has gone to a funeral and I won't be able to talk to her about it for a few days, I haven't got anybody else that I can talk to now.
I miss you so much in so many different ways Mum, 'life goes on' people keep saying, well so it might but my life has stopped, somehow i keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going for the boys....but the hurt is just so bad.....
I love you so very specially Mum,
Miss you
Ruth xxx

Dear Mum,

It's been hard this Easter without you, I spent nearly a whole day in tears or close to tears. We went to see Liz and Tony and although you didn't come down there at Easter it was the thought of leaving you in Devon that really got to me, I didn't feel that I could be connected down there in the same way. I remember feeling the same about Dad when we went away after he'd died.

I took your photo and the CD with photos on. I did go round to the graveyard on Sunday and sat there and did feel some peace. I didn't go inside the church because it said open from 9am and although the door was open it was only ten to.

I looked at all the gravestones and wondered how many people were left behind greiving for them.

Yesterday you would have been so proud of me Mum, you would have been waiting for my phonecall to let you know that we passed for registration and that Tracey and I were told we were 'suitable people'. We joked about how we were going to get badges made saying MOST SUITABLE PEOPLE. We talked about you in the interview and I know that is one of the reasons I have given up doing Socatots so that I can put the effort into making the pre-school successful, that is one way of keeping your memory well and truly alive. I have also made the decision that I am going to get my OU degree. Something I should have continued before I started with Socatots but I am glad that I did do that, not only have I met some wonderful people through doing that but it's given me the confidence and knowledge of working with pre-school children.

Auntie Brenda's friend Lorna died on Easter Monday she is very sad about that, two people she cared about gone in a couple of months, I didn't know what to say to her to make her feel any better. I was hoping to be able to help her with going to the funeral but I don't know how I can be of any help with having Theo and Oli with me, and it's a long way to go with them, unless I can go for a couple of days...I don't know I will have to see, she did say she might not be able to go but I know she does really want to go.

Anyway I'm going to go out in the garden today and sort the Eucalyptus tree out and the hedge. The last time I did the Eucalyptus was when you were helping me and directing the traffic, do you remember how you kept telling me to stop sawing because there was a car coming and I shouted too late. We did laugh while we did that, it's just very sad that at the time I didn't realise that I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage a short while after that. Sad/happy times. Life is like that isn't it, one minute you are upbeat about something that has gone completely right and then the other you feel like someone has taken your legs out from underneath you because something has gone completely wrong.

I miss you so much Mum, I really wish you were here and I keep trying to work out if you are ok, if you were ok at the hospital and wondering what we would have been doing now if you had come out of the hospital, I expect you would have been visiting here and getting your strength built up bit by bit.

Teasel's microchip information came back yesterday so she is now under my name, that was sad to get that back, another realisation that you are no longer here.

I love you specially Mum,

Ruth xxx

Dear Mum,

I am feeling really low at the moment. There is another viewing at your house today and I get really nervous about it, I don't like the thought of other people walking round your house. I go there to get some comfort and it feels like they will destroy the calm and quietness by being there. I am also not looking forward to leaving Devon and going to Mark's parents for the next few days. It's like leaving you here and I remember we talked about this when we went up to Cumbria after Dad died in the September, you told me that you were taking his picture and that you felt that you would be going to him as we had had such a wonderful time in CUmbria as a family. It's not quite the same going to Sussex, you only ever went there once and there is nowhere there that I can go to find comfort. I thought I might go to the church and visit Mark's Nanny's grave, I will find some comfort there I think.

I will take your photos and the Japan DVD for me to watch while i'm there if I need to. I went to the cemetery yesterday and took you a nice yellow plant for Easter, I got really upset when I had to leave and was still crying on the way home. I know i'm going to get good times and bad times but this is definitely a bad time for me.

I've been packing this morning and half my mind is not on the job, it's taking me hours to do, I keep thinking about all the times i've packed to go away and you have been coming with us, or you have been coming here to have the dogs, I even forgot about the fish being fed because i'm so used to having you here.

I have put myself on chocolate rations to try and stop myself putting on too much weight that won't help my mood I know. I will try and be bright around the boys and while i'm away but people will just have to realise that i'm still having to come to terms with such a huge loss. I can't believe you've gone yet, I still keep expecting to see you, talk to you or something.

I love you so much Mum, it really does hurt not having you here,

love you specially

Ruth xx

Dear Mum,

Feeling like pants again today, quite low and still busy with the boys. We went to the Easter service at the church that the school did and Oli played with Daniel at home either side, until we had the phonecall from school to say Theo had fallen over and had a head injury. So a visit to Newton Abbot hospital just to make sure nothing was broken or he had concussion. He was ok, thankfully.

There was a viewing at your house today Mum, the first one and they want to come back on Saturday. I was hoping that if I put the price up high that nobody would be interested and I could hold onto it for longer but that plan has backfired! Maybe that's why i'm feeling so low, i'm very tired, still struggling to sleep any sense.

Anyway just wanted to share with you a photo that i'm sure would have made you smile had you seen it again, i'm sure you had lots of fun having it taken, you've got that cheeky smile on your face. I love these photos of you Mum, I know I didn't know you back then but I have a feeling that I know where I got my cheekiness from!!

I love you very specially and miss you like mad,

Ruth xxx

Dear Mum

This photo was taken on your first canal boat holiday, Theo decided he wanted to start walking about two days into the holiday so we spent most of the time holding him up as he trundled along. I love all the memories I have of you Mum xxx

It's been a busy few days this week with moving the pre-school out of the Hall. You will be pleased to know that the pre-school is now no longer associated with the Village Hall. What a satisfying feeling that was to walk out and know that we no longer have to be there. It's a shame because things could have been a lot different had the Committee been run by some more caring and open minded individuals. You would have been proud of the girls Mum, they worked very hard to move everything out and get it into storage and into the school. Karen G worked a blinder behind the scenes, emptying the cupboard in the weeks leading up to the move. We left the hall clean and tidy, gave it the best clean it's had in a long long time before we left, it's as you would have wanted it to be.

The girls have moved us into the school and I know life isn't going to be a bed of roses there, with various frictions already apparent, it will be hopefully less stressful than the Hall and we can now concentrate on getting our new building up and running down at the field. We are waiting again for planning to come back to us, but you will be pleased to know that First Step Homes have put their first storage container on the ground they are building on so hopefully they will start digging our trenches soon for the electrics.

We've been talking about a lot this week with the move and Tracey gave me an extra hug because she couldn't give you a hug to say thank you for getting us this far. If it hadn't been for you Mum we certainly wouldn't be here now. We all owe you a huge debt in this and I am going to stay on board until the building is secured and beyond. I feel very cared for in that team of girls, they know how i'm feeling because they knew you and loved you. It's not the same as having you around and I still can't believe it when I look at your photo on my desk that I won't ever see you again. How can that be? I just can't believe that one day you are there and the next gone.

Oli would have made you smile today Mum, we were driving around and we've been having sleet showers on and off all day, he said that in a minute we will see a Snowbow! I said what's a Snowbow he said it's like a rainbow but made with SNow! He's a clever lad that one. Always keeping me on my toes. I'm so glad you had the relationship you had with him and that you were able to spend so much time with us as a family. It hurts like hell that you can't be part of us now in the flesh but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I love you very specially Mum,

Ruth xxx

warmth of the Sun!

Today at the cemetery I wrote these words:

A hope once lost rekindled with the birth of Spring,
A bird song lightens the dark cloud overhead
With everyday sounds drowning the tears of sorrow,
the heartfelt sympathies fading.

Strength is found in the warmth of the Sun,
Rest in peace Oh blessed one,
You are safe, back home but never forgotten.





Copyright Ruth Hall 2010

Dear Mum,

I'm not sure how long it's been since i've last written, I seem to have been very busy. I've started to clear some things from the house and had to go over there the other night to find Dad's Death certificate, after searching through all your files and paperwork I eventually found it in his bureaux. Think you might have given me a wink for that one.

I found the books that you had written, which i'd read once or twice before, i'm going to see if I can get them published for you, what a great thing that would be. I just wish they had been published before so you could have seen it for yourself.

I went over to the cemetery today and changed the flowers over, I had to put the Nanny flowers in the bin and thought perhaps I should have kept the plastic trellis it was on, but not sure what use I could have made of it. I hope you didn't mind me doing that.

I've left you some carnations which will hopefully open up over the next few days for you and Dad. I did feel that you were there with me when I sat on the bench. I closed my eyes and asked why you had to go and leave me on my own here, I told you that I missed you so much and that I loved you specially. I felt the sun shine warm on my hand and then my face and the clouds had parted. It really felt like you were giving me a big hug Mum and I just wanted to sit there all day. Thank you for that.....

I had to get home though because Theo is poorly, he's got a raging temperature and his glands are up, his throat looks sore and he's not really eating or drinking. I am dreading it if i have to take him to the hospital or the doctors. Oli has already asked why the hospital couldn't make you better because that's what they are supposed to do....I would imagine they will worry if I have to take him to hospital but hopefully it's just a viral thing and we can get him through it without the need of doctors or hospitals.

Please help look after him tonight Mum and Dad too, watch over him and let me know if he is struggling.

I got really upset when I left the cemetery, I don't know why but I feel calm there and at your house, I felt like I was leaving you again today. I am going to sort out with Noel about the headstone so we can get your name on it instead of the wooden cross, although I quite like the wooden cross. There is a headstone in the cemetery that is grey with a couple of roses at the top carved into the stone, it looks really lovely...I did wonder whether to redo Dad's one like that but I know you would have said it wasn't necessary so I am going to see if I can find a stone carved rose to put on the grave or even keep it here in the garden, I know they can be funny about what goes into the cemetery.

Oli has passed his Duckling 2 swimming certificate I know you would have been so proud of him for doing this, I so wish you were here to give him a hug and tell him how well he is doing. I know he misses you so much too. He went on his own this morning because Theo was so unwell and he was doing lots of great things, turning over onto his back on his own with the woggle. Taking him swimming during the week seems to have given him so much confidence already. I just wish it was in different circumstances. Maybe this was the only way that I was going to see what was truly important to me but it is so hard not having you here, I don't think people realise sometimes how much our lives intertwined, how we are so connected.

Theo has gone to sleep now again but this time in bed, Oli is playing in the bath with Mark watching over him.

I'll be going to bed early again tonight, I seem to be so tired at the moment, don't seem to get much energy in me to do much even though there is so much to do.

We have booked a holiday to Centre Parcs, we are going to Whinfell Forest, I want to go and visit the places that were special to us up there while i'm there, go for a walk where we stayed on our last holiday together, it was just you and I next to the Lake at my school reunion. I remember how worried you were that I hadn't answered my phone and how horrible I felt that i'd made you worry. I remember how you asked me if I wanted you to walk to the car to meet me....you waited up for me and we had a hug before we both went to sleep.

I loved spending that time with you, I wish we had had more times together like that,

I miss you Mum,

I love you very specially,

sending you a huge hug in return for the one you sent me today,

your 'darling girl'

Ruth xxxx

Dear Mum,

Theo's gone on a school trip today, I found that very hard seeing him off. I keep dreading that anything happens to anyone else close to me. It was bad enough thinking that Teasel was not well, I would not know how I would cope if anything happened to one of the boys or Mark. The picture above is when we took Theo and Oli to the miniature village at Babbacombe, remember the fake snow....and how you stood for ages with them patiently waiting for the dragon to breathe fire and me to take a picture and I kept missing the flames!

Anyway i'm trying to be positive, Oli and I sat with Julia and watched them go off on the coach and Theo looked very excited. It'll be a long day waiting for them to come back but Theo is in Mrs Clarkson's group so I know he'll be looked after well.

Oli had gone off to pre-school, so i've been sitting trying to get the last lot of memberships sorted for Socatots. It's such a hard thing to do as I don't like letting anyone down but I can't see how I can do the sessions at the moment or in the future either with looking after the boys.

I got a bit upset this morning as Julia and I were talking about the Pre-school build and I said to her i just wish you were still here to see what was happening. I was in the Post Office posting some parcels and saw a leaflet for some daycare. It flashed through my mind about you saying you desperately didn't want to go into a home and that we would have got you care at home if you had needed it. I was happy to have you here as well, we would have managed.

I had another thought the other day as well which i'm not sure if you instigated into my head. I went back to when I went in to be sterilised and thought about how terrified I was at the thought that I might not make it through the operation, that was nothing like what you were facing, how scared must you have been? you told me you were but you sounded so confident on Thursday night that you were going to get through the operation, I can remember you clenching your fist showing your determination...and yet you were taken from us......

I remember how I went into the operation on my own knowing that Mark had come home to help with the boys, I remember asking them to look after me and then I can remember coming round with the nurse saying to me...are you going to wake up now? Have you caught up on your sleep? I can remember thinking to myself I feel so relaxed, so calm, I would just like to stay here forever. Then I remembered the boys and Mark and you and thought come on you can't go yet.

Was that what happened Mum? Did you get relaxed and calm and thought it was your time. I know you had such a great faith and perhaps it was your time. I don't know, I just know that we all feel cheated that you have gone. I keep crying on and off, but I know that it's not a proper cry, not yet, I can't cope with that yet.

I miss you so very much Mum, you really were everything to me,

I love you so very specially,

Ruth xxxx

Dear Mum,

It's been a strange few days. I've felt a bit brighter in the fact that Teasel is back to normal. She's getting lots of attention and i'm giving her a cuddle in the evening, I expect she was missing her cuddles with you in the evening. Mark doesn't seem to mind now if she sneaks up onto my knee, I think he knows that she must miss you like I do. I'm glad that she is back to normal again because I was really worried about her.

I attempted to go out last night to the Hash Bash, Karen was asking me to go and although I had to push myself really hard to get there it was nice seeing some old friends again. I got some lovely hugs and although I shed a few tears. It was nice seeing the awards being given out. I got quite overwhelmed though towards the end, heard the Abba compilation and that brought back lots of memories of you and Dad. You both loved listening and dancing to Abba. I had to come home after that because the emotion was just too much to deal with, I came home and couldn't sleep. I've woken up this morning with a massive headache, all the emotion I guess.

I remember getting ready to go to the other hash events when you would be looking after the boys in the bath and then you would shake your head at the outfits I was going out in. You did like me to go though before I was working, you said it did me good to get out and do something for myself.

It's not the same without you though Mum, we all miss you. Oli said this morning that you can't be here to look after them today while Daddy works because you are in heaven.

I helped at the pre-school yesterday, we were moving all the garden equipment out. There were lots of people there and it's all been moved now. The bark pit which you helped to put in place by phoning for donations and being there on the day has been taken so we can use it in the new premises. I did get a bit sad yesterday as I imagined you being there with your coat round your waist and hands on your hips organising everyone. I do wish you could still be here Mum to see how hard everyone is working towards the new unit. I just wish we'd done lots more while you were here to know how much everyone thought about your hard work and how much everyone cared for you.

Socatots is now on an advertising board to try and sell it, I know we talked about it a lot when you were alive that it was taking me away from being a Mum.

Mum I love you very specially and always will, I will try and make you proud of me and will try and bring the boys up to make you proud to,

love you specially Mum

Ruth xx

Dear Mum

I've found this week incredibly hard. Whether it's because reality is hitting home hard that you aren't here any more I don't know. Teasel has taken a downhill turn, she's not eaten for 3 days and I firmly believe she is depressed because she knows you aren't coming to get her. I've played with her and given her lots of hugs and yesterday and today she has eaten a little bit. I've had a chat to her and told her that we will all miss you but she will be here now and must try and settle down. It doesn't help having Jazz butting in every five minutes but I know she's only trying to cheer Teasel up.

I've been very tearful the last few days and trying to get on with things. I've enrolled myself back at the hotel in Bovey so I can take Oli swimming which is what we did on Wednesday, he doesn't want to go to Bear Feet anymore, I think it's because he was there with you and it's too painful for him at the moment.

We went shopping today and on the way in the car he asked me who would look after him when I die. I was a bit taken aback but told him that Daddy would look after him and that i'm sure Nanna and Grandad would help as well. I'm not sure whether they would come down here or what would happen I don't really want to think about that possibility at all for the boys....I told him that although I couldn't promise I wasn't going to die that I was going to do all that I could to be around for them both getting bigger and growing up and having children of their own. I asked him why he thought I was going to die and he said 'Because you miss your Mum so much you might want to go and be with her very soon'

He really does think some deep thoughts sometimes. It's true Mum I do miss you loads but I hope you know and now Oli knows that I would never do anything to shorten my life to be with you. I know you didn't believe in anything like that and as much as it is hurting right now I know that life will go on and that the boys will keep me going. Oli, bless him, he doesn't know how important it was for him to have that talk with me this morning. It's certainly made me think about things again.

We planted some seeds this morning after we had been shopping, we bought them before you had gone into hospital and will give us something to look forward to, i'd appreciate a little help if you can though Mum, you know how useless I was at remembering to water plants and seeds, so a few little nudges every now and again will help I'm sure.

I'm not sure whether the combination of peas, beans and sunflowers in the same pot is a good one but we'll see.

I'll be going to pick Theo up soon, he's having a friend home for tea so I expect the house will be noisy in a little while with little boys running round the place. I wish you were here to talk to about things, to give a hug, I think about how that feels being hugged by you and how you used to kiss my cheek and call me you're darling girl. I miss you Mum, don't know how i'm going to get through the next year or so but I will do my best, I know that is what you would have wanted me to do.

I love you specially Mum,

Ruth xxx

Dear Mum,

It's been a tough two days....we had to sell your car yesterday and I was gutted when we had to leave it to go to a new home. I'm bad enough with my own cars when I part exchange them but to leave yours there on the forecourt was like leaving a little part of you on your own. Mark has been very good and being as supportive as he can be. Theo and Oli made me smile on the way home. They asked me why I was so upset and I said because we had to sell Nanny's car. Theo said well that's ok Mummy because Nanny doesn't need it anymore. She's an angel so she can fly where she wants to go. I agreed that it would certainly save money on petrol, although Theo did wonder if your arms and wings would get tired. I reassured him that I thought Angels were magical and didn't get tired or feel pain. It took the edge of the hurt I was feeling, children can see things in such a simple way.

It's Mother's Day today, i've been dreading it all week, my friend's have been keeping quiet about what their families have got planned although Karen did let me know what she was up to. I don't begrudge people having a Mother's Day but I do so want you to be here to join us today. Do you remember the picture Mum? It was taken at Pre-school last year for the Mother's Day event they held. I wasn't able to go because of work, but you were there for Oli, I remember feeling really guilty that I couldn't be there but knew that you would be. That's one reason why giving up work is going to be so important for us all, because you won't be there as backup for the boys. I am glad that you were able to spend the time you did with the boys though and for that i'm grateful that I was working so you did get to be with them and build those special bonds that you had.

The boys made me breakfast in bed and I tried to eat it although I have no appetite. Luckily it was cheerios so they finished them off for me, without it seeming I was ungrateful for what they had done. They have chosen me a lovely plant in a basket, Theo informed me that they bought them together, they didn't have to do the gardening but he likes my 'little garden'. They also bought me some Ferrero Rocher's, their choice, how appropriate, Dad would have loved having those, although it's Mother's Day and not Father's Day. I have struggled over the last 5 years with Father's Day but this seems so much worse. I keep crying and then stopping myself, I feel that if I start properly crying that I will never stop, it hurts so much not having you here to phone, or visit, to buy something for.

I am going to go to the cemetery later with some roses i've bought for you and to tidy up the flowers from the funeral, I found the lid to the pot for the grave in your car when I was clearing it out so that will now sit in my car with my 'gardening bag'. I intend to visit and keep you and Dad nice and tidy, I know you thought that it looked like people cared if the grave was well kept and you know that I do care deeply for both of you. Mum my whole world is in pieces, I keep getting so angry because you have been taken from us, there are so many people on this planet who cause harm and destruction and yet you were taken.....WHY?

Anyway I will sign off now and try to go and see the boys after i've wiped away my tears, they don't like to see me upset but equally I can't hide how I feel all the time. They need to know that it hurts which will hopefully mean they will be able to grieve properly too. Oli was upset last night and in tears, he can't remember why but he was so upset. I have a feeling it was because we had to get rid of your car. He seems happier this morning though.

Happy Mother's Day to the best Mum that ever was Mum....

I love you very very specially

Ruth xxx

Dear Mum,

You won't believe the day i've had today, after being woken early by Theo and starting the day with a pounding headache, it got steadily worse. I had a nightmare last night about a fairground ride which really was just too dangerous.

Theo went to school and was a bit unsettled today, probably the after effects from yesterday and a bad night. Oli and I came home to sort out our leaky kitchen tap. We tried ever so hard to get the cartridge out but it just wouldn't budge and when I tried to disconnect the tap I ended up with more leaks than I'd started with. I had to phone for a plumber to come and spent the rest of the day with the kitchen cupboard all over the kitchen floor and no water in the kitchen.

I had a good cry upstairs and felt like I couldn't stop. I felt completely desperate, I needed you to be there to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. Auntie Brenda was on the end of the phone and helped by listening but as good as she is, she isn't you.....

Anyway the plumber came after we got home from school and managed to fix it even though it had to be bodged to a certain extent. THEN after i'd cleaned the cupboard back into the cupboard and put my tools away I walked into the downstairs loo to find that the tap had been left on and my carpet was soaking wet.....ARRGGHHHHHH!! It was not a good day. Theo and Oli took themselves off to the living room to keep out of my way in case I exploded at them.

Well after having a rant and rave and cleaning out my U-bend I felt somewhat calmer and when Mark arrived home peace was restored again.

I had Lana on the phone today, she's been calling quite a bit and it helps to talk to someone who has been through similar.

I am thinking about you constantly and thinking that perhaps it's all a bad dream and that you will still walk in at the gate and shout at Jazz for jumping up, or you will phone and ask me something about Pre-school. I miss you so much Mum, it's so hard trying to come to terms with it all. Theo and Oli keep me going, I have to get up to get them to school and pre-school, I have to try and be ok for them, but it's so hard.

Sheila gave me a hug this morning when I cried at school, it's not the same as your hugs though Mum. I can't believe that I won't ever see you again, that I won't be able to hug you.

I've got through today though and hopefully will get through tomorrow and the day after that.

Oli was a star today Mum you would have enjoyed watching him helping me with my plumbing, he was my torch holder and at one point we were both lying in the cupboard, he now tells me he wants to be a cupboard monster when he grows up! Theo had been ok at school today and read his words really well again.

I know you will be watching over us but Mum it just doesn't feel right that you aren't here with us. I love you specially Mum,

Ruth xxx

9th March

Mum with Teasel July 2004

We will be going to the cemetery today to bury Mum's ashes. She is going to be back with Dad on what would have been their 25th Wedding Anniversary. I'm feeling completely wiped out at the moment, a car drive to Coventry to see the solicitor didn't help but it is done and i've met the man who will be doing all the sorting out with me. Noel and I had a talk about different things and I was glad I had gone.

I've sent the boys to school and pre-school to give me a bit of space this morning and waiting for Mark to get back from taking his Mum home yesterday. We had a bit of a wobble the other day as he made a comment about me wearing Mum's cross necklace. I was very hurt by his comments but need to try and keep things as normal for the boys as I can.

I am still struggling with the fact that Mum has gone, I still wait for her to come through the gate with her bags, I still look at my phone every night for the text we used to send each other to say goodnight. I suppose with all the activity of sorting everything I've not had any quiet time just to try and meditate on the fact that she has gone.

Driving yesterday I had a really vivid image of her as she was in the hospital, wondering why they couldn't save Mum...why was she the one that had to die, what made it Mum's turn? All these questions and no answers yet.

Time is ticking on till I need to go and collect the boys, till we need to leave and go over to Teignmouth.

I feel so sad......I miss you Mum so much xxx

Dear Mum,

It was the funeral yesterday and I don't know how I got through it but I did.
We waited for ages at your house while everyone arrived and got changed, I was worrying that your house was going to get messy and wondered what you would have said with everyone walking in and out and the boys getting changed in your living room. Sam was there and hugging Theo and Oli in the living room I know you would have loved to see them all together again. We had fun trying to get into the car with the car seats with Theo and Oli choosing where they wanted to sit and who they wanted to sit next to them. Oli said the car wasn't really that big!
We drove to the Church...I cried....I didn't feel anything looking at your coffin as I'd been to see you at the Chapel of Rest last week and knew that 'you' weren't there anymore. I was sad to see everyone looking so sad and knowing that this would be the last time that all these people would be getting together to say goodbye to you. Like you, I hate saying goodbye!
The service was lovely, I managed to sing Mum, I had practised at home and you would have been proud I did miss some of the high notes as I had a lump in my throat but I tried my best.
Reverend Paul W. said lovely things about you and told us how you had been convinced that the Real watch was a fake one. When he was telling us his story I could really imagine you looking at it and knowing you were right....we were never into watches were you Mum...like me we believed that wearing watches made you watch the time and stressed you out. I hope that our similarities mean that I can keep you with me at all times.
Denise said some lovely things about you too and about Dad. She said it so well, there is no way I could do what she did, did you see her pat the coffin to say goodbye and she came over and gave me a kiss too, she really is a special friend.
I had written a poem for you and written something to try and make people realise that they should tell people how they feel about them today, before it is too late. I am so glad I was able to tell you how much you meant to me Mum....I told you everyday that I love you specially and I still do. I miss you so terribly.
Sam's poem was just lovely...you have a copy of that with you though Mum that I gave you last Monday. He really is such a special person. We said we are going to spend lots more time with each other and hoping to have our Summer Holiday, I wish you could have been here to join us but we will remember you and take a photo of you with us so you can be with us.
The hymns were lovely and the Church was full of your friends and family, I can't remember who was there and didn't seem most of them. Even Sneezy came from the Hash which I was touched about....all these people touched by you and your kindness and love.
I cried when we had to walk out of the church because I knew that I would be saying goodbye for the last time, well to the coffin, your body, I know 'you' are still around us and the essence of you goes on. I stood with Noel, Sam and Callum when you were put into the car to go. Callum was really upset, I think he liked you more than you thought, he's such a sweet boy. He was playing with Teasel and Jazz today, i've invited them down in the Summer Theo and Oli loved playing with them at The Passage House...and Sam of course.
I said to Sam that he and I should start Poetry workshops...he smiled at that.
We said goodbye to you and I headed back to the Church, most of the people had gone but I was able to speak to Nick & Tina, Nick, the girls from Gatehouse, the Palace Gardens crew and Carol and Chris, too many others to name....the School and Pre-school had their staff there and Paul Jones... you were so well liked and respected.
The Passage House was lovely and I was able to speak with other people, everyone was very kind to me and said if I needed any help with anything they would help. It's not the same as having you there Mum, I could tell you anything, I could ask you anything, you would do anything for me, anything for anyone...even if it meant that you had to miss out on things yourself. YOu were one special lady.

Today I went to the Church yard to see the flowers, the frost had taken the lilies but Liz helped me to take them out and I got some photos to send to Auntie Edna, she couldn't come down but I know she was thinking about you, i will send her the DVD and photo and the Order of Service as a keepsake.
It was calm at the cemetery and it was good to have a chat with Dad again, his headstone was looking a bit grassy so I gave it a wipe but i'll go early on Tuesday to make it lovely and shiny for when you are back together again. I will take some flowers with me as well as I expect the other ones will have gone past their best. It's my turn now to try and find plants that survive on a seacoast hill. I felt calm but upset leaving. I had taken a rose from the Nanny flowers and two white flowers from our flowers to press for your book. As we were walking back to the car with Oli, Liz and Tony a butterfly landed on my flowers and sat there for quite a while before it flew round our heads, then it was gone. Of all the flowers in the cemetery it chose my moving one to land on.....I wonder.....was it you? Was it a message to say life goes on? I think so. It was certainly a poignant, significant moment, one that I will remember. Butterflies are everywhere in your house, I think something to do with Cursillo, I will ask the 'email friends' what it signifies, I will share this with them. Thank you Mum
I am left with a headache after yesterday but Mum I hope you enjoyed your send off, I felt it was just right for you and the people there were people who cared about you. I felt very well supported and Noel too.
I won't talk to much about him on here because he deals with things differently but I keep him always in my thoughts and we will hopefully be closer because of this.
Will wait till Tuesday now when you and Dad can be together again...I expect you already are but your body will be laid to rest with his.
I love you very specially Mum and I will be in touch,
take care,
special love
Ruth xxx

Dear Mum,

Dear Mum,
I so badly want you to be here right now. It's your funeral tomorrow and I don't know how i'm going to get through it. I miss you so much Mum.....
love you specially
Ruth xx
ps Oli said he wanted to get dressed as a clown for it but I told him we weren't getting dressed up in dressing up clothes we would be getting dressed up in smart clothes...thought you would appreciate that though xxx

My Mum....

My Mum

15th October 1941 - 14th February 2010

I can't believe that i'm back on my blog letting you know the very sad news that my Mum has passed away. I'm absolutely devastated, I can't believe it's happened and my life and our lives have been turned upside down.
It all happened two weeks ago. My brother and I took my Mum into Derriford Hospital for her operation on February 11th. We stayed with her until we were kicked out talking to the doctor's and anaesthetists, discussing which heart valve to use, mechanical or tissue. Looking back I can't believe we spent so much time making a decision that was completely irrelevant because in the end it only lasted 1 full day! We left Mum to read and get some sleep, all feeling very nervous. We returned at 6am the following morning and found Mum still in bed. She got up and showered and I helped her into her hospital gown, she had her premed and started to drift in and out of sleep, she was relaxed. We walked with her to the theatre and said our goodbyes, both of us getting upset and telling the other one off for doing so. I told her I was going to be around until she came out the other side and that I was going to the Chapel to have a word with the main man! Then we saw her disappear through the doors....I cried....we went for breakfast and Noel went back to Coventry. I went back to the restaurant and spent the next four hours reading and waiting, watching my phone for that dreaded phonecall to say 'I'm sorry but your Mum has gone' Thankfully it never came, Mark came and we went for some lunch. I phoned them at 12pm and they told me that there was no sign of Mum coming back to phone in an hour. I phoned back at 1pm just as Mark dropped me off. Walk slowly back to the ICU and we should be ready for you to come in. I walked slowly back, I rang the bell when I got there and was told to wait. Another lady was waiting and we got talking about who we were in to see and what they had been in for. They finally called her and I through to see our prospective patients.
Mum was in on the left as you went into the door, I remember cleaning my hands carefully making sure I took in no infections. She was through the operation now we just had to get her through the next few hours and she would be woken up and life would begin again. That's what I thought. I walked through the doors, took Mum's hand and told her I was there and that I loved her then the machines starting beeping. I stood back thinking i'd touched something and the Nurse told me to leave. I sat in the waiting room wondering what on earth could be the matter, the lady who had gone in with me was also sent out and she told me that they had called doctors to Mum. I phoned Mark to come, I was in a panic. 1 1/2 hours later someone came out and took me in a small room to tell me that Mum had had a cardiac arrest. They had restarted her heart but she was now on a pacing machine and it might mean that she would have to have a pacemaker at a later date in about two weeks time. I thought great how do I tell Mum she's through one heart op and now she has to have another one.
I went back through to Mum and looked over the equipment that surrounded her...the morphine, the other medication, the blood product, the saline. The heart monitors, SATS monitors, she had tubes coming out of her neck , one out of each hand, the ventilator was in her mouth with a bandage holding it in place. I wanted to hold her to hug her, I couldn't. I kissed her cheek, I told her I was there and how much I loved her, I stroked her forehead. Nothing....just the beeping of machines, the heart rate keeping a steady pace.
I stayed with her for the rest of the day, only leaving her when the nurse wanted to do some checks or other procedures.
By the end of the day they decided that they wouldn't try and take her out of the anaesthetic until after midnight so I decided to leave and get some sleep. I drove home and rang before I went to bed. They were talking about taking her off the ventilator in about 3 hours time. When I rang at 5.45am they had done that. She had come off the ventilator and they had tried to take her off the pacing machine but hadn't been able to. They described her as 'restless but stable'.
I drove back down to Plymouth and parking up got a full day ticket. When I arrived and buzzed the buzzer the nurse came for me and sat me in the little room. She informed me that they thought Mum may have neurological damage but that she had coughed when asked and squeezed someone's hand, not well but she had done it. They said she was 'groggy' and wasn't coming out of the anaesthetic too well but just to give it time.
I went through to her and putting my coat and bag by the wall I told her I was there, she instantly turned her head recognising my voice. My heart leaped, she recognised me that must mean she is going to be ok, i raced over and held her hand and gave her a kiss, as I bent down and spoke to her she tried to open her eyes. Her pupils were fixed and gazing but seeing nothing, my heart broke, my poor Mum couldn't see me. Can you hear me Mum? I asked. She tried desperately to form a word with her mouth but nothing was happening, only a grunt. I told her not to strain trying but I would ask her questions and she was to grunt once for yes and twice for no. I soon realised that that was just too much effort so we eventually stuck with one grunt for yes and nothing for No. I established that she was in pain. 'The problem is' the nurse said ' is that at this point the patient is supposed to be giving themselves the painkiller by pushing this button.' The button that was wrapped round her syringe driver several inches from the bed head and with Mum being as she was she wasn't even aware where she was let alone being able to press a button. The nurse gave her pain relief and I asked Mum a little while later if the pain had gone. She was able to nod a bit. She tried again to say something and I said your lips look dry would you like me to wet them, she nodded. The nurse gave me some sponges in a plastic cup. Mum was like a little bird taking the drops of water with relish, when she had had enough she just lay back and relaxed again. 'Well if this is it then I will cope with this' I thought, we can communicate and she is still here and I can still kiss her and hug her'
At lunchtime Mark arrived and we were asked to leave while they did their turning and other things. After we had eaten we arrived back on the ward and were told that she was still about the same and it was just a case of waiting and giving her time. Then things started to go downhill. The nurse disappeared off the ward for a good while so she could return another patient to a different ward. One to One care we had been told, they were short staffed for pretty much the whole time Mum was there.
Blood tests were being done constantly it seemed and Doctors were appearing talking in hushed voices at the end of the bed. I remember just holding Mum's hand and trying to get her to feel my hand, I asked her at one point if she could feel my hand, she nodded, I asked her if she could squeeze my hand, just the tiniest of movements she made. I felt so sad, my own Mum who had been my rock for so many years couldn't even tell me she loved me or squeeze my hand.
Discussions were being held and returning to the ward on one occasion I over heard the nurse say to another one...'I just don't know what is going on' SHe looked at me worried that I should have heard that, then tried to explain what they thought might be happening. X-rays were done at the bed, Echocardiograms and other doctors were called in. Then came the news I was not wanting to hear. Mum was going to have to go back into surgery to have her heart checked and also her bowel because they thought a part of her bowel may have died which was causing the blood results to be as they were. At 7pm they took Mum back into surgery. I felt at that point in time that I had lost Mum, Mark hugged me as they took her and I shouted I can't lose my Mum, I can't lose my Mum, I can't cope without Mum..... I phoned Noel and told him he needed to come back down. Doctors and nurses kept us informed while Mum was in the theatre. The heart was ok, they were now doing a laparotomy, if that didn't show anything they would do an angiogram to check her arteries, I told them she'd had one done just before Christmas and it was fine. They decided then they wouldn't do that. All the time I kept repeating 'Come on Mum, come on Mum keep strong, keep fighting.' They came back at 10.30 pm and told us that her bowel was indeed partly dead and had removed the tissue and were stitching her back up, they would have to keep her in an induced coma for 3 days and then gradually bring her round. They seemed hopeful. I wasn't so sure but trying to be positive. I didn't want Mum to think I was giving up on her at any point. It was so hard though. Noel arrived and eventually at 10.45 they brought her back to ICU. We were allowed to see her briefly before they were able to get her cleaned up. The first dialysis machine wasn't working so they were going to change her line and try again. We waited and waited. They moved us to another room. I went for a wee and went back to see Mum, they had set up the second dialysis machine and it was giving alarms saying line in low, line out low...I was worried. Mum didn't look like Mum...I knew it was Mum but she had the ventilator back in, she was on more machines and more medication, it surrounded her. She lay still, her face swollen from the drugs I expect, her eyes were slightly open and full of a yellow jelly as though someone had put brolene in her eyes. Her hair was on the pillow, falling out hairs strewn around her head. Her arms were still, her chest was moving unsteadily...beeping and noises. I spoke to Mum I asked her to keep strong, I told her I loved her. I kept stroking her arm, trying to get her to know I was there. I was asked to leave again, I kept trying to get back into see her but wasn't allowed. I was told in no uncertain terms by the Nurse who was getting a bit cross...' I haven't forgotten about you, we are very busy with your Mum at the moment, I will come and get you when you can see her' I said Sorry and walked back to the room. Mark, Noel and Paul sat silently inside, I tried to lie down, I was shattered, I needed sleep desperately but no sleep came....I waited, I listened, whenever i heard footsteps I sat up straight waiting for that nurse to come and say you can come through. At 4am the Doctor and nurse both came and he sat on the windowsill...'I'm sorry' he said, 'Your Mum has deteriorated further, she's gone down hill and there is nothing more we can do, she has about half an hour to live' I was gutted, my whole world was going to be turned upside down in half an hour, I didn't want to listen to this man I wanted to be with my Mum. I ran along the corridor shouting 'get the chaplain' get the chaplain' The nurse said she would try her best.....I ran through to Mum's bed with Mark and Noel following. We stood the three of us, stroking her hands, kissing her cheeks, stroking her forehead, trying to will her to stay with us. I tried desperately to remember the Lord's Prayer I needed to say the prayer so Mum would connect with God. She had such a strong faith and I had none. I was completely in pieces. The chaplain did arrive and said Psalm 23, he anointed her with oils and said prayers for her and for us. We were left alone. The machines were switched off one by one as the alarms came on to say they were not functioning anymore. I listened to the sound of the machine that was pumping blood round...it's rythym changed and I asked the nurse whether it was just a case of waiting now for everything to shut down. She said yes to be honest her blood pressure is only 22/23 so it's virtually non existent. I whispered in Mum's ear to be at peace, I told her loved her so much and that I would miss her terribly. I cried, we all cried. The heart machine started beeping and flatined....i was wondering if I would have to be the one to say that the ventilator had to be switched off as she had made me power of attorney just the week before. But no the heart machine was turned off and the Doctor came and switched off the ventilator. 'I'm sorry' he said and walked out. We were left to say our final goodbyes and leaving Mum's body we turned to go. The nurse handed me two booklets...'do you want to see her when we have removed all the tubes? she asked...I said No thank you....'did you want to wait and speak to the doctor, he'll be about ten minutes.' Ten minutes I thought....if he was bothered he should speak to me now. I just wanted to get home, my heart was broken. I had lost my wonderful, my loving, my funny, my caring Mum. All i wanted to do was dive under the duvet covers and never come out again.
I don't know who's fault it was, I don't know if it's anybody's fault. I don't know who i'm angry with, I don't know what i'm going to do , I don't know how I get through each day but I'm still here and I have two little boys who need a Mummy......
It hurts so much, I can't describe the pain i'm feeling without her. I've felt desolate at times without Dad being around, that's going to be 100 times worse without Mum. She has always been everything to me, I have been able to talk to her about everything, we have confided in each other, we have shared so many jokes, so many tears, so much frustration....
I have noone in this world who knows me as well as she does....nobody will be able to say just the right thing at the right time to make things seem better.
My Mum was THE most wonderful person on this planet and now she has gone. I love you so much Mum, I am going to miss you forever......You will always be MY MUM....
I just hope that you are now reunited with Dad and Bramble and Buster and I will think about you all walking together somewhere peaceful and tranquil and green.
Rest in Peace Mum.....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

January 2010

So it's a start to a New Year, Mark and I have been together for 9 years now! Blimey where did that time go? We bit the bullet in October and went to a professional photographer for some photos..there's one above showing my lovely family!

It's been a pretty poor end to 2009 and start to the New year with illness covering most of my family, here at home with Oli spending a few days in hospital just before Christmas and then Theo, Mum and Mark all being ill over and after Christmas. As for me, I've managed so far to keep away from any major bugs and germs although the tiredness has been wiping me out!

This year i'm hoping to organise myself so that I can cope without having to have any childcare when Mum goes in for her heart op. I have some good friends who will be helping me out but I would like to be there for the boys too.

I would like to think that the Pre-school will be in it's own brand new building before 6 months is out...still waiting on the planning application to be heard by the committee, January 18th is d-day on that score.

I would like to think that I can once again stop eating chocolate...I did it last year from September, but with Oli going into hospital and Christmas bringing a mountain of chocolate treats into the house it's been nigh on impossible to not eat any. SO without making any resolutions my aim is to stop eating it once our supplies have gone. Luckily Oli seems to be helping me get rid of my supplies more quickly than perhaps I would hope!!

The house will be a priority this year as well, we either move or we decorate and properly get sorted. I would like to make sure the garden outside is used properly which will mean knocking through either the wall or making another door into the house!!

Right i'm off now as i've got lots to do and Theo and Oli to attend to....

Let's hope i'll manage a bit more blogging as well....kind of let it slide last year again didn't I?

Oh well here's one for this year....

Happy New Year to you all and let's hope it's going to be healthy and peaceful and fun...I need fun!

xx

Buster's Rainbow

Buster's Rainbow

Today after lunch Mark , Theo, Oli and I buried Buster's ashes near to where Bramble is buried. We said a poem and said our goodbyes. I got very upset, Oli went very quiet and Theo was just more concerned about being allowed to use his spade to dig the soil back in again. As we went inside Oli said I'm going to miss Buster and Theo agreed and said we will all miss Buster.

He is at rest now and we have our lovely memories of him. While we were burying him we had a shower of hail and rain and a beautiful full rainbow...it was a very special moment. Whenever I see a rainbow now I will know that Buster and all those that we have lost and loved are watching over us and sending us love and lightness at all times and especially in our dark stormy days!

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or smile that he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray he’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love you share

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him only that he has gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he’d want, smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

This poem was read out at my Grandad's funeral and my nan's and today I read it for Buster, I cried but I now will try and remember Buster and the happiness he gave us, the love he gave us and the mischief he got up to as a puppy.... you will always be with us Buster may you now rest in peace, but always be part of us and our lives.

Hash January 20th 2009

Tuesday night is hash night, i've not been too regular of late with illness and other things happening but I will never miss the chance to get dressed up..so even though it was cold outside Dolittle and Gurnie got dolled up for their vegetable hash....going as Has Bean's! We were going to go as Swede's but decided that blue lycra shiney trousers and blond hair weren't going to work for us that well so here we are with Dolittle adjusting her bum with a little help and me in my makeup and curlers ready to go and scare the others...sorry find the others!!

The following was written mainly for The Words that we have, each week someone is given/or volunteers to write them as a way for everyone to remember what we got up to on various hashes...for some reason they keep letting me write them even though I tend not to do the true hash and either short cut or make it up or follow Maverick and Hatrack and let them lead me astray although more recently this has been Bogof's job...so the main of this is in the words:

Hey are Ethel, I’m not sure we’re in the right place…there are lots of strange looking people standing over there with torches on their heads…It’s ok Mabel I told you we’re doing that thing that Bert and Arthur used to do that ‘ashing thing…Oh ok Ethel,so who are those three young men standing on those benches over there…Mabel they are the Grand Master…Oh yes he is very grand luv isn’t he?..Yes Mabel and the other two are hares…Hares?...Yes hares luv, they’ve laid the trail….They’ve drunk some ale? I expect they will have done wearing just those and why have they got those pinnies on?....it’s fancy dress luv....fancy dress? That’s not very fancy I think you and I are a tad overdressed Ethel. Shhh Mabel I’m trying to hear what they are saying…I heard something about a brass band playing Ethel….No that’s the Hash Bash they’re talking about…They’re having some Hash browns?...No Mabel they’re telling us there is a long/short split and no regroup….You’ve got to strip and you’ll get croup, not sure I like the sound of that our Ethel….No Mabel it’s ok just follow me we have to follow the trail…Ohh Ethel look at that dog over there, has it just done what I think it’s just done?...It’s ok Mabel Hard Stare is a responsible dog owner and carries bags around with him everywhere….what’s that Ethel Hard Stare is a ponsy hog loner and marries bags with no hair?...shhh Mabel we’re off now. Here we go luv up the steps take care…OO Ethel there’s lots of people going past….yes luv they are faster than us don’t worry we’ve got 6pak and Growbag behind looking after us…what Ethel we’ve got a six pack and a Growbag looking at our behinds, I’ll have ‘em I will…Mabel calm down luv, they are looking after us, oh well let’s let them get on and look after the others we’ll do our own thing and meet back here…Whatever you think Ethel,Ah hello young man, what’s your name, Bogof really that’s no way to talk to two elderly ladies….Mabel that’s his name, Bogof would you care to escort us this evening, you would oh that’s lovely…Ooo Ethel he’s a bit of a chip off the old block isn’t he! (ha ha) he’s a very nice man right shall we go up this hill through this very large field…I can hear some shouting Ethel what is going on…Well Mabel if you look closely you can see the rest of the pack has already gone up the hill and off to the right and disappearing out of sight…what’s that you say luv we need some Lurpak to use with the grill and then we’ll be right….Come on Mabel just keep going, Bogof which way shall we go now, you’ve seen the On Home sign and it’s this way, sounds like a plan we will never catch up with the main pack now they’ve gone to the far side of the field kitchen now and making their way around the hill…Ethel this hill is huge luv, not sure I’ll make it, I need a wee….it’s ok Mabel we’ve got our bags on haven’t we?...Oh yes thank you for reminding me….what’s that Bogof? You want us to carry on up this lane so we can hide from the rest of the pack and pretend that we have done the whole hash, oh sorry my mistake you want us to carry on following the trail and do the hash properly like everyone else in the hash apart from perhaps Maverick and Sweet Pee who we will let off because she has been proper poorly!....Ethel why have we turned our lights out, I can’t see….Shh Mabel that could be them coming now,see how far they’ve been round the hill over the other side and they’ll be coming along here any minute…..SEVERAL MINUTES PASS….Ethel I don’t think they’re coming….Shh Mabel, Bogof is convinced they will be coming…SEVERAL MORE MINUTES PASS…PHOTOS ARE TAKEN..SEVERAL MORE MINUTES PASS…Ethel…uhuh…ethel I really don’t think they are coming and that nice Mr Growbag will be cross if we don’t get back and enjoy his food…Ok Bogof I really do think that this On Home sign is a false trail for the cars and maybe we should be heading back now, come on Mabel let’s go….Ethel I like going downhill better than uphill and it’s lovely solid concrete rather than stubbly fields better for my stick you know…yes Mabel, hang on what’s that Bogof? They are coming after all ok Mabel you are going to have to run now….What Ethel you’ve got a gun?...Juuusstt RUUUNNNNN!...Do I really have to break a habit of a lifetime? Oh go on then…Arrghh I’m losing my bum….Grab it Ethel, don’t lose your bum whatever you do, um Ethel what are we doing now?....We’re just going to wait in here for a minute or two and let the others pass by….Why Ethel, we’re not hiding are we?.....Not exactly Mabel it’s more just waiting for a suitable place to join the fun we don’t want to get in anyone’s way do we?....Oh No Ethel that wouldn’t be nice at all….What’s that Bogof? You think we should go now, Ok Mabel off we go and you need to be a bit quick now….Oh Ethel me knees is bad and this cold air will go on us chests you know!....Here we are Mabel do you remember coming down this road when we drove here?....Not sure that I do Ethel see I can’t really see over the steering wheel, tend to just use the curb or the hedges for guidance, does that mean we can sit down now?...Yes Mabel come on we can go inside…Ethel why are those people staring at us?....It’s because we are so beautiful and they can’t take their eyes off us…what even that young man over there that very very young man, that very very very young man…Yes Mabel he’s called Legs 11..Ooo like Bingo…Yes Mabel and he’s with his mum Drag Act so you need to be on your best behaviour…Oh yes of course I will…it’s been a lovely evening hasn’t it Mabel we must do it again sometime soon, I really liked seeing Arfanar, Sweet Pee as sweetcorn, Guzzunder, Grom and Bogof as potatoes, Glasseye as a huge pea oh and lots of other brilliant people….it has indeed been lovely Ethel, the food was good, not quite as nice as fish ‘n’ chips and a cuppa tea but very nice, that Growbag and 6pak certainly did us proud luv….Yes oh shush a minute Mabel they are doing the down downs….you what luv?...shushh oh they’re talking about Hard Stare and his dog incident, ooo luv they’ve mentioned us, that must be our beauty again, oh now someone called conad or gonad is being given a drink for bullying….is that what they do nowadays? Award people for being bullies, I don’t think that is good Ethel…shhh mabel I can’t hear luv, oh now they are giving Shatnav one for getting lost I think and oh he’s past it onto Manpig as he’s driving…he’s always getting lost I hear that one Ethel…yes Mabel and I can’t quite hear who the third one is for oh it’s Codpiece but no didn’t quite catch why?...Ethel what are they doing now?...They’re all singing the down downs…… Ethel can I go home now please I need to empty my bag…we’ve already emptied them Mabel don’t you remember….No I don’t remember much nowadays luv, I’ve had a lovely time but I really think we should go…Ok Mabel say goodnight then and we’ll go home…Goodnight Ethel…Goodnight Mabel…..Later that night Mabel and Ethel slept well with pleasant dreams of running and laughing and eating and drinking out of catheter bags and of course the very very very nice young men they had met that evening, so till the next instalment of Mabel and Ethel do exciting things we’ll sign off and bid you all a very pleasant evening and On On xxxxx

After the hash we decided that we had enjoyed being old ladies so much we wanted to have some more fun so we went into our local garage which is for local people and bought some mints and bread and paid for it with pennies....the man behind the counter just smiled and said...I'm not going to ask? We did explain why we were dressed like old ladies and hopefully we managed to bring a bit of light and happiness into his life too!

Here are the pictures we took of us in the shop in the garage with our purchases...I've never laughed so much for ages and it felt good to be doing that again. So thank goodness for little old ladies Mabel and Ethel and who knows we might not be seeing the last of those two!! On On till next time xx