Dear Mum,

It's been a tough two days....we had to sell your car yesterday and I was gutted when we had to leave it to go to a new home. I'm bad enough with my own cars when I part exchange them but to leave yours there on the forecourt was like leaving a little part of you on your own. Mark has been very good and being as supportive as he can be. Theo and Oli made me smile on the way home. They asked me why I was so upset and I said because we had to sell Nanny's car. Theo said well that's ok Mummy because Nanny doesn't need it anymore. She's an angel so she can fly where she wants to go. I agreed that it would certainly save money on petrol, although Theo did wonder if your arms and wings would get tired. I reassured him that I thought Angels were magical and didn't get tired or feel pain. It took the edge of the hurt I was feeling, children can see things in such a simple way.

It's Mother's Day today, i've been dreading it all week, my friend's have been keeping quiet about what their families have got planned although Karen did let me know what she was up to. I don't begrudge people having a Mother's Day but I do so want you to be here to join us today. Do you remember the picture Mum? It was taken at Pre-school last year for the Mother's Day event they held. I wasn't able to go because of work, but you were there for Oli, I remember feeling really guilty that I couldn't be there but knew that you would be. That's one reason why giving up work is going to be so important for us all, because you won't be there as backup for the boys. I am glad that you were able to spend the time you did with the boys though and for that i'm grateful that I was working so you did get to be with them and build those special bonds that you had.

The boys made me breakfast in bed and I tried to eat it although I have no appetite. Luckily it was cheerios so they finished them off for me, without it seeming I was ungrateful for what they had done. They have chosen me a lovely plant in a basket, Theo informed me that they bought them together, they didn't have to do the gardening but he likes my 'little garden'. They also bought me some Ferrero Rocher's, their choice, how appropriate, Dad would have loved having those, although it's Mother's Day and not Father's Day. I have struggled over the last 5 years with Father's Day but this seems so much worse. I keep crying and then stopping myself, I feel that if I start properly crying that I will never stop, it hurts so much not having you here to phone, or visit, to buy something for.

I am going to go to the cemetery later with some roses i've bought for you and to tidy up the flowers from the funeral, I found the lid to the pot for the grave in your car when I was clearing it out so that will now sit in my car with my 'gardening bag'. I intend to visit and keep you and Dad nice and tidy, I know you thought that it looked like people cared if the grave was well kept and you know that I do care deeply for both of you. Mum my whole world is in pieces, I keep getting so angry because you have been taken from us, there are so many people on this planet who cause harm and destruction and yet you were taken.....WHY?

Anyway I will sign off now and try to go and see the boys after i've wiped away my tears, they don't like to see me upset but equally I can't hide how I feel all the time. They need to know that it hurts which will hopefully mean they will be able to grieve properly too. Oli was upset last night and in tears, he can't remember why but he was so upset. I have a feeling it was because we had to get rid of your car. He seems happier this morning though.

Happy Mother's Day to the best Mum that ever was Mum....

I love you very very specially

Ruth xxx