16 years

Sixteen years ago I was pregnant and my baby was late arriving. On Monday (Tuesday in 2004) I would be heading into hospital to be induced. I'm not going into detail of that because if you really want to read about it you can further back on the blog.

Sixteen years ago my Mum and Dad were both alive, I was married, I had two dogs and I was expecting, in just a few weeks I was to lose my Dad to his battle with cancer and Theo was born. I always get excited when it's his birthday - well excited about anyone's birthday but there is always that tinge of sadness that Dad died and Mum is no longer her to enjoy it with us either. 

We are still in lockdown although restrictions are lifting and on Monday I will be heading into school to teach a bubble of children. I'm worried, I'm excited, I'm cautious, I'm feeling so many emotions.

Knowing that I am potentially putting myself into the line of fire with more children and adults around school, being around people who might not be following the lockdown like I am.

With Theo's 16th Birthday on Friday I have not only those emotions of lockdown but the emotions from past experiences on top. 

This is the poem I wrote to sum this up:

Sweet Sixteen?

A life full of crazy expectations

one so young yet to breathe 

one older and nearing his last

We knew not what life was to bring

or take away from us

Waiting, that's all waiting.

The continuous noises in hospital

echoing, empty corridors,

feet slapping on the cold, hard floor

Sleepless nights, chattering neighbours

High white beds with machines beeping

when would you arrive?

On that Saturday morning at 1.13am

Exhausted, exhilarated 

you finally came.

Recovery took a while

bloods low, too low

we slowly recovered

Leaving hospital excited but

sorrow in the shape of a call

no time left at all

we visited you to say hello

I had to say goodbye without saying words

You didn't realise Mum

Heartbroken and heartlifting

He was no more

We had to say goodbye.

Funeral Birth no weddings this time

A mix of emotions

I did not cry

For one arrived too late, one taken too soon

Too hard to take in

I Miss You

Fifteen life stopped

Virus out of control

Time to think, Time to be?

Sixteen years coming up

WOW

a landmark, a special day

Sixteen years I've been a Mum

Sixteen years you've been a son

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Together as a family

Sweet Sixteen? 

Not sweet

Perfect!

Finally Graduated!

So I went to bed with a headache last night, emotionally drained. Flashbacks to many a late night trying to get words to make sense, flicking through notes and books and scrolling through internet forums and pages to find that one quote that I knew was there but had omitted to write down. I am grateful to each and every one of those people around me who had to miss out on my company, who kept me going when I faltered and who congratulated me on the result of every single assignment.

 

I started my Open University career in 2006 with a 10 point course 'Understanding Children'. Encouraged by my Mum to 'do something to keep your brain active!' I loved it and then embarked on another course not really with any particular intention. I was running pre-school activity sessions for the under 5's and loving it but the Open University gave me the brain workout that I needed in a subject that I was getting a real passion about. I had two little boys in the house and was reading books like mad on child development and how to be the best parent I could be.

 

My husband deserves a mention too, as he spent many an hour trying to stay awake until I'd finalised my assignments and then sat there listening to me read it out loud for one final proof read. He probably never understood what he was hearing but he always praised me on the wording and encouraged me to continue when I had a wobble or two about giving it up.

 

9 years later in 2015 I embarked on my final two modules together because I know what I'm like and knew that I would be 'proper cross' (say that in a Devonshire accent) if I didn't finish 'early'! I had the most amazing tutor for one of those modules, Children's Literature, and although the Research with Children was really hard going chatting to my fellow students and tutor about Children's Literature helped the time fly. I had a chart of how many assignments I had left to do and slowly they were ticked off until I was on my very last assignment for my degree.

 

I felt a real sense of loss once I'd finished, what was I going to do but nature put paid to me worrying about that and sent me off to hospital to have a hysterectomy. Good friends brought me books to read and I was soon immersed in  a variety of book worlds, painkillers and trying to get better again. Something I never thought I would ever be.

 

However September has come and although I have had disappointments I have realised that I have actually achieved something pretty amazing.

Today, I graduated, I gained a BA (Hons) in Childhood and Youth Studies. WOW. I did that...I really, really did that!

All those hours ploughing through books, stressing about exams, underlining sentences that I didn't really understand, highlighting words that I thought might come in handy later....all those long, hard hours really paid off.

 

I had the absolute pleasure of sitting next to two delightful people during the Graduation, one of whom I know will be a friend for a long time to come yet. The nerves and the constant suppression of tears that I felt as I left my family and headed to the front were dissipated as I sat down. Most of those people were feeling the same, nervous, excited and most had a story to tell to go with their degree.

 

My Mum I know would have been immensely proud of me, my Dad, he would have been there and said in his warm Somerset accent 'Well done my darling girl!' People who knew my Mum know that she had a passion about children, educating them, providing them with an education that they understood. She never let anyone down....when she died I received so many cards and letters from former parents, former pupils with their stories about how she had an impact on their lives.

 

I hope that I can continue her way...caring about people, helping children understand themselves so that they can access the world and hopefully having a positive impact on those around me.

 

9 years it took to get my degree....9 years whilst juggling the loss of my Dad, two young boys, family life, working and then the loss of my wonderful Mum. The degree I dedicate to the both of you who never once gave up on me, who always believed in me and always cared for me..no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mother's Day

I used to love Mother's Day making a card and cobbling together breakfast in bed with a flower taken from the garden. I remember one Mother's Day that Mum had bought herself some Honesty branches. If you don't know what that is then google it. The beautiful part is when you peel away the brown shell of the seed pod to reveal the silvery soft inner part. I didn't know this. When Mum asked me to get it ready in a vase I took the whole seed pod off and she was left with sticks. Did she shout at me? Did she sulk because I'd done it wrong? No she just looked at me smiled and said 'Those sticks look beautiful' it wasn't until a little while later that she told me what I'd done. Perhaps this is why now I have a love of sticks...who knows. Our Mothers teach us how to be in the world, they show us how to love, care and nurture things. Sometimes people aren't so lucky but I know I had one of the most amazing Mums around.

The clip below reminds me what life lessons my Mum taught me...life can be rocky, sometimes you have to hang on, sometimes you can smile, some things are worth jumping up and down for. People will push past you, get in the way but mostly those around who care for you are standing there rooting for you, urging you on, encouraging you until you have won the battle. Once that battle is won then there is always time to sigh and pull a face! Love you Mum and missing you so much today as always. I, honestly thought that this year I could do it, I could get through without that sadness welling up inside me. I very nearly did. 

Mum you helped me become the person I am today and I'm so very honoured to have had you as my Mum. I hope that I will continue to make you proud as I carry on through life, hopefully showing the boys what it is to love and be loved unconditionally.

https://youtu.be/wWp-RadQ6Z8

Visiting Mum

Visiting Mum

 

Mum, what would you say?

Mum, what would you do?

In times when I need to talk

I can no longer come and see you.

 

I talk to you constantly

Replies racing through my mind

'Least said, soonest mended'

'Always try to be kind'

 

You were caring and compassionate

You always said what was true

Even when it might hurt a little

You were always true to you.

 

Mum, I miss your frankness

Your laughter and your twinkling smile

It's been four and a half years now

so short and at the same time a huge while.

 

I still see you in my mind's eye,

Your warmth still holds me close

but it's your hugs and words of wisdom

that I miss the very most.

 

So I sit here as the morning sunshine

beats down warmly on my face

I cherish all the times we shared

whilst I think about them in this place.

 

The sun I feel is not just the sun

I know that truly in my heart

It's your love that you send down to me

to show we'll never be apart.

 

Whenever I need to talk to you

or need a hug so much

you send me signs to show you hear

and send the rain and sun to touch.

 

I love you Mum and miss you

with each and every passing day.

I'm being stronger and do less crying

well in public it's the best way.

 

My tears will leak and tumble down

when standing by your polished stone

But I know that you are here with me

and I'll Never be alone.

 

I know that you have understood

why my visits are less frequent

it's not that I've forgotten you

or I'm turning all delinquent.

 

I have my own wonderful family

who need me to be there

So sometimes on your birthday Mum

I have to whisper you a little prayer.

 

So thank you Mum for listening

to these words I come to say

I keep your love within me

each and every single day.

 

Happy Birthday Mum, Love and Miss you Always

Your darling girl

Ruth xx

 

A busy day ended with some sadness. Our gerbils live in our kitchen and just get on with their lives being no trouble to anyone. We feed them, we clean them out they get out and have a ride round in their plastic balls. They are part of our family. Tonight I was aware that the noise levels from the kitchen weren't as loud as they normally are with two gerbils running round and discovered that Theo's gerbil Messi has sadly died. She was a real sweetie, blond in colour and always the thinner of the two gerbils. She was more shy but had recently been brave to come and get her daily treat at the doorway.
So we told Theo and had tears and upset, it's taken me two hours to settle him. I cried harder than I probably should have done because of losing Mum, it brings it all back. He didn't want to see Messi so i've carefully wrapped her up ready for the burial tomorrow. He decided how he wanted her wrapped and I've cut up a pink scarf I had as a special burial cloak.
It's always sad to lose any animal as they are part of the family, Night Sky the gerbil that is left seems happy enough mooching around on her own in the gerbilarium. I hate saying goodbyes, tomorrow is going to be horrible.
Rest in peace Messi, I hope you enjoyed your life with us, thank you for being such a lovely gerbil for Theo.
xxx

Makes me sad

Day 3 of the Easter holidays and it's tinged with sadness. I had a blood test this morning to check my thyroid levels as I'm subclinically hypothyroid. Have symptoms but not being treated or something like that anyway. 

Mark came home so he was collected from Exeter train station this afternoon. We've had a day at home today in between jobs. I was going to go swimming but found out the pool would have closed by the time I got up there after eating so that's a shame.

Anyway today Peaches Geldof has been found dead at her home, she was 25 years old. It has really made me feel sad. I was a fan of her Mum's Paula Yates and followed her with interest, used to watch her on the TV on the various shows she was involved in. Then followed the news when she died and the battle to keep Heavenly with her sisters and Bob Geldof as he dad had died too. So it was a shock to read today that she has died. There are no details as to how she died, a mother of two very young boys we can only presume that perhaps the stress has got to her somehow. What she must have been going through having lost her own Mum we can only begin to imagine for someone so young. Becoming a Mum herself it must have hit her pretty hard that her own Mum was never going to see those boys, never going to share in them growing up. It's hard enough for me knowing that my Mum isn't going to be here to see them developing into the lovely young men I know they will become but I would hope that life never seems so unbearable that I would feel the need to turn to drugs or alcohol to help myself feel better. 

I have my low days, low weeks even but never would I dream of taking my own life. So for someone, if indeed that is what has happened, to do that things must have been pretty bleak. 

I feel for her Dad, Bob Geldof, who has lived through so much heartache already and now has to go through it all again...and worse....thoughts are with you and your family Sir Bob, thoughts are with those two boys.

RIP Peaches, may you find some peace wherever you may be. 

Mother's Day

To be a Mum is to be the queen yet a worker all in one.

You love, you toil tirelessly,  your day is never done.

To lose a Mum is to lose a special piece of your heart

You never want her to leave, never to be apart.

So on Mother's Day remember not only the Mums that are here

But think about those who in our hearts we hold dear.

On Mother's Day I think of you as I lay flowers at your grave

I weep silently and try to remember those hugs that I crave.

Your love for me was endless, pure and simple too

Never questioned needlessly the many things I do.

I miss you Mum, the pain inside it never goes away

I wish that I could see you even just for one more day.

I'd hold you close, I'd tell you how much you mean to me

I know that seeing you like that is never going to be.

But I know that you are watching over my precious family

Caring for us, guiding us through, steadfastly.

I thank you on this day Mum and every other too

For giving so much love and just for being you.

Love you specially Mum always xxx 

Three years tomorrow was the last time I spoke to Mum in the flesh, her soul left her body and I was bereft.
I often wonder what she would be saying to me when I do things.....don't do so much, get to bed earlier, don't eat too much chocolate....REST Sweetheart.
I can always here her telling me that I shouldn't be so sad that they wouldn't want me to be so sad. It's so hard though. I miss her every single minute of every single day. She still lives on through me, I know that, family tell me that I sound more like her every time they speak to me. I catch myself saying things to the boys like she would have said it to me.
I don't think unless you have lost someone you truly care for that you can understand what someone else is going through. Losing Mum was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, am still dealing with it. I have the fibromyalgia with me every day to remind me that I've had Post Traumatic Stress.

BUT I do plan on thinking of the happy times, the fun times, the silly times. When she did her clown routine at a school, that was amazing and very funny. one day I will recreate that for Theo and Oli so they have those memories to take with them too.

My Mum...how many times in a day do I say to people, My Mum would have said, My Mum used to....

I miss you Mum so very much

xxxxx

Anniversary

It will be 3 years since Mum died on Thursday. Valentine's Day...the day for love. That's how I remember my Mum, no matter what she was doing she did it with love and kindness. It's been hard going without her and everyday something will happen that I know she would be smiling about or telling me off about. I went to the cemetery today to sort the flowers out for her, the rockplant is still growing and the spring flower that was in there is breaking through to hopefully flower again this spring. Purple and yellow flowers went there today.
While I was there I wrote this:
I went to the graveyard today
each headstone a story to tell,
with circling seagulls squawking loud,
and yet a peacefulness to compel.

I went to the graveyard today
I wanted to show that I care
the rain softly falling from the sky
touching my face and my hair.

I went to the graveyard today
I miss you more than the words that I write
The wind blowing gently upon the trees
there was no brilliant, bright sunlight.

I went to the graveyard today
I feel at peace and a calm that's so true,
I sat and wrote and cried some
Each tear was shed just for you.

I went to the graveyard today
You know I feel close to you there
Although you are always around
You still hold me close with compassion, love and care.

I went to the graveyard today
Do you want to know why I still go?
To polish your stone and place some fresh flowers
So that everyone will know....I miss you so!

I went to the graveyard today
I feel stronger and calmer somehow
For your love has never left
and the memories still grow.

I went to the graveyard today
and now it has been confirmed
you're still with me, Mum, you're part of me
with a love completely unreserved.

To live my life well and be caring and kind,
to love my family true
I went to the graveyard today Mum
to let you know I love you.

I went to the graveyard today,
it's just something that I do.
For everyday as I work and play
in me I see part of you.

I went to the graveyard today
with tears and pain in my heart
I left the graveyard today
with a love that will never depart.

Thank you Mum for always loving me NO MATTER WHAT! Your 'darling girl' Ruth xxxx

Today has been a trying day and also a day for producing masterpieces..... I woke up with a weak arm, medication reaction, grrrrr. I didn't give in, I finished my hat that i've been knitting for a few days now.

and then for tea a Beef Cobbler................ My Mum and Dad would have been very proud of this effort....just to explain, when I was at school, I hated doing home economics because that's what 'girls' did. I wanted to be doing metalwork or electronics or woodwork...anyway my cookery classes were pretty much a failure every week and my beef cobbler was a 'bin' case! I've never made it since then but tonight when I was wondering what to do for tea a little voice in my head said 'have a go at Beef Cobbler' Grinning to myself as I made it thinking about the school disaster, I thought of Mum as I opened the oven door and a huge smile on my face appeared when I saw this. You see this isn't JUST a photo of someone's tea, this photo is about success, about never giving up and most importantly is memories. Just thought I'd share that with you :o)

Well the year is starting well considering a bill from the garage for £800.00 for a service and MOT, apparently I have something wrong with my bush!!! I've been trying to defrost the freezer in the garage as it's been getting steadily worse over the last year or so and couldn't even close or open the door for the ice. Anyway upon the start of the defrosting process I realised that the freezer was full of Mum's food, lots of plastic tubs of meals that she had made for when she came out of hospital. It's been so hard wading my way through these to take the meat out for the dogs, I think after nearly 3 years of being in the freezer even my tummy won't take it. Such a shame, I keep thinking about the what if's etc but it isn't going to bring her back to me is it? I can hear her telling me that i'm going a good job and that I will have the plastic pots and the dogs will enjoy the meat. Don't worry about it. It's hard though. Everyone in the house is back to being fit again after the dodgy flu bug that hit us, well I think I managed to evade it, although I must admit today I feel a bit brighter than I have done for the holidays. Perhaps I did have it after all but couldn't work out what it was with having the fibro to contend with. I managed to do 4 and a half minutes on the exercise bike this morning without aching too much, i'm going to try and keep this going as I am eating way too much chocolate. I weighed myself this morning and don't want to be seeing that amount again but not bad considering! I do need to get rid of some more weight though as i'm sure that will help me feel better about myself. anyway back to the tidying and cleaning. After the dead fish episode the other day and clearing the pond Theo and I spotted four fish swimming round today. Two orange ones and two black ones. Woop Woop we've not killed them all off. I also cleaned out the Blue Tit nesting box and it was full of living snails! I got rid of them and gave it a tidy up but put a bit of moss back in just in case we get some visitors having a peek in. HOpefully they might decide to nest this year again, I missed them last year. thanks for reading if you are reading this, i'm sorry it's not overly exciting but this is my life and what I have to deal with on a daily basis....count yourself lucky that you aren't on as a facebook friend, they get to hear all sorts of nonsense that I wouldn't bore you lot with! Hope your January 3rd is going well....speak soon miss you Mum xxxx The picture below was taken in January 2003...prior to having the boys...walking on Dartmoor in the snow with Bramble my first 'baby'!

Really missing Mum

Last week we were in Derbyshire camping, the last time I was there camping was with Mum. We went to Castleton and remembered how Mum and I had stayed in Castleton eating ice-cream with the boys while Mark went up to see Peveril Castle. I miss her so much still. I had a few tears while we were away because she should have been there with us, she should be here now enjoying the Olympics. I miss you Mum and still love you so very specially xxxx

Diagnosis

Well after a year nearly of being in pain, exhaustion like you wouldn't believe I finally got a diagnosis yesterday from the Dr. I have got fibromyalgia. Even as I type I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I have a diagnosis and some treatment. It's been a tough year having to cope with the day to day strains of it all. Feeling like i'm letting my friends down because I haven't been able to go out with them and do things that I used to do. Hopefully they will understand now why.
Tomorrow will be 2 years since we took Mum down to the hospital for her operation, all of us filled with so much hope for the future of having her home and getting fit and being able to enjoy life again.....she never made it home and I miss her so much.

Remembering

I've been thinking about Buster and Bramble today as it's the anniversary of him going to sleep. They were such fantastic dogs and we often talk about them as we go about our lives.
Having said that they weren't perfect and often was the times when we were left waiting for Buster to decide that he'd had enough running around in the woods, or chasing cars at Haldon! He scared me one day when he went running off and we were with friends in a place he didn't know. He went missing for a while and when he came back there was blood dripping everywhere, I thought he'd caught a rabbit but it was just a cut tongue that he must have cut on a bramble bush. It did stop and he was none the worse for his 'adventure' but it didn't half make a mess everywhere.
Then there was Bramble who got a stick stuck in the top of her jaw and how we spent about half an hour trying to remove it without it making her bleed.....
But we had heaps of fun and I think about them lots,
love and miss you Bramble and Buster...my two babies xxx

January 1st

The photo above was taken a year ago when we visited my brother in Coventry. Jazz and Teasel 'meet' their kittens...not face to face not sure how safe that would have been!

Well it's the first of the month and for the last few years i've said I wanted to do more blogging or diary writing....I'm not going to set myself that goal this year...all i'm going to say is if I want to then I will and if I haven't got time or anything to say then I won't!
Today has been interesting, spent it at home with the family, doing some jobs. Also had time to play a little with the boys, table football - this brought back lots of happy memories of when we used to play against Mum and Dad in Cumbria. lots of laughter. That's good.
We taught the boys how to play Charades which was funny, they got quite frustrated if we didn't get what they were trying to tell us, Theo was trying to write words in the air at one point. But they did a valiant job and we had some more fun.
They flew their helicopters today with great success, even setting up a battle scene with toy soldiers to knock down or land on top of.
I'm tired again but that's to be expected. Worrying about my wrists which seem to have lumps appearing on the outside edge of them....is it just fat or something more sinister? Not sure but i'll ask the Consultant when I see him in 16 days time.
Funniest thing today was watching the boys try Lemonade for the first time...Oli's reaction was the funniest....Theo just dipped a finger and licked it and left it at that. Don't want them to get into drinking pop really but they had it as a special New Year treat.
Worst part of today was Theo and Oli having a rough and tumble as they fell out over something, two minutes time out for each of them calmed them down again though. I don't like to see them fighting like that...
Anyway it's January 1st and a time to think about fresh starts..I certainly hope we'll have one when Theo goes back to school. It can't get any worse than it did last term that's for sure.
I'm thinking positive....trying to be calm
Missing Mum a huge amount, felt quite tearful today
let's hope 2012 will see some good times for us as a family.
love to all my family and friends
love you specially Mum and Dad
Ruth xx

Bonfire Night and so much more

Dear Mum,
It's been such a long time since i've been on here and written down how i'm feeling. in February last year I had gastroenteritis and two weeks after that I woke up and struggled to walk, from then on in I've been in pain, every day with only a two week respite when I had a trial of steroids. I am being tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis and now fibromyalgia.
I've had a real up and down time emotionally. On the plus side i've been enjoying my new job as TA at the school, starting my Open Uni course and passing my first TMA. On the down side i've felt physically and emotionally dreadful. I've been short tempered I know and i'm trying so hard not to be with the boys as it's not their fault i'm feeling ill.
Oli has just been given a positive diagnosis for Von Willebrands as well which isn't good news. Although he won't be as bad as I am because he's male it's still not nice to have it hanging over you all the time. Some days I don't know where to turn.
I miss you so much Mum, I would so love to have you here and talk to you face to face about this and everything that is going on. I know you would have been gutted to know that Oli has VW. I know you would have given him a special hug the day we found out and told him not to worry.
Today your bike went, such a hard thing for me to do getting rid of anything that you owned or were part of. I find it really hard to let go of things that I know you have touched and made part of our memories. I know we didn't go biking many times together but I have a very vivid memory of when we took Theo and Oli who was only tiny at the time and Theo got off the bike to sit on the chair that they'd cut out of a tree at Haldon. We don't go to that area now as they have moved cattle there but I have a photo that I took to remind me. He was so proud of himself for getting on to the chair and I think if we'd let him he would have stayed there all day.
I think about you all the time Mum and can hear you sometimes talking to me and telling me what you would have done in a certain situation. I know you would be worried about me now going through all these tests and not feeling great. You would have been here to help me with the boys and keeping me calm. You would have come to the appointments with me as would Dad had he been here too. I'm on my own with this one. M is being brilliant but I do feel alone at times.

Some positive news from the Pre-school....we were rated outstanding in our Ofsted inspection...how fantastic is that? You would have been thrilled with that and I know you would be proud that the girls are working so hard to make the Pre-school at Pauline's Place so special.

I wish you were here Mum but you aren't not in the flesh, but I know you are around me and the family. Please watch over us and please help me find the strength to get through this.
I love you so very specially Mum and miss you so very much,
your darling girl
Ruth xxxx

Memories of Dad

Well it's 7 years since my Dad died. I've had a few tears but i've been remembering some of the things that Dad did when he was here. I remember his habits and rituals, his projects and his buys at the auction. I have a rickety wooden clothes airer that I can't be parted with but really isn't much help when airing clothes that he bought me at an auction for about 50p!
I remember his guinea pig hutch and run that he made me out of the old coal bunker, complete with two guinea pigs. I remember how he let me have my own small area of garden to grow vegetables in under my bedroom window, although he did do the looking after it.
I remember helping him on his farm before he left Dorset, how he smiled when I got excited about seeing his piglets. Going to the auction with him and having to sit really really still and with the fear that if I blinked then i'd end up buying a cow!
I remember moving up to Cumbria when he helped Mum and Noel and I had CB radios and talking to each other, he bought us those radios and we loved them.
I remember him looking after me when I was poorly, egg dipfingers for lunch...perfectly timed! I remember enduring Going for Gold when I had my kidney removed in 1996 and how he looked after me during the day.
I remember how he moved in with me for a few weeks when I had viral meningitis and couldn't do anything, how he carried me to the bathroom and cooked for me and read to me.
I remember our walks on Teignmouth common with the dogs. How he loved Bramble and Buster. I remember how he held Theo's hand when he was a day old, as he lay there struggling to keep going, riddled with cancer. I rang to tell Mum we were coming to see him from the hospital and he asked to be shaved and washed and in new pajamas. He held Theo's hand and smiled the biggest smile ever and just turned to me and said 'Marvelous, just marvelous' Those words will stay with me forever just as so many memories will. He was truly the best Dad a girl could have, he was a Step-Dad only in name....he was a truly wonderful man, kind, caring and loving. He taught me so many things, he was patient with me, he gave me boundaries. He was and always will be my Dad.
Oh and he made the meanest rock cakes the world will ever see!
Just a few memories of a man full of fun and love.
Miss you Dad, love you specially
Your 'darling girl'
Ruth xxx

A year on....

Dear Mum,
I can't believe that it has been a year since you have gone. Our lives have completely changed, although starting to regain some normality. I miss you every single day, I think about you always and I know you are there, I can hear you as you guide me through decisions I have to make, reassure me when I have doubts and calm me down when i hit those stressful moments.
Theo and Oli are doing so well at school, I am very proud of them as I'm sure you would be if you were still here today, it's when they are doing so well that I miss you the most. How many times this year have I said i'll tell Mum that, Mum would love that, Mum would smile at that.
I don't know how i'd have got through it without Mark and the boys, Mark has really changed this year, he's become so strong and confident you would be proud of him too. He gives me hugs all the time but he leaves the extra special hugs for the times when I most need them. Like today when he left for work, we don't do Valentine's Day we never have. Commercialised to make people money, we don't need one day to tell each other that we love each other we do that everyday...today Mark bought me a bar of chocolate, I'm so glad I have him to keep me strong.
All my friends are so supportive and i'm so grateful for all of them. They understand if I cry, they understand if I want to talk about you, they understand if I don't want to talk. They care and i'm so grateful.
Tanya has restarted Socatots sessions for me, the children and parents are so pleased to be back doing it and i've had some lovely messages from them welcoming us back.
I have started working 2 hours a week as a dinner lady...get that Mum...I used to do that in Gatehouse school, I help out in the classrooms and am loving it, I think being in that environment helps me feel closer to you. Your life was teaching children, you always put children first in your life always and I hope that by helping in my own small way I can do that and continue your good work.
The pre-school is nearly finished Mum, I was hoping it wouldn't be ready in time for your anniversary because I would have been too overwhelmed by it all to enjoy being there. Pauline's Place will be there forever now Mum, recognition of all your hard work and efforts in getting us down there. Pauline's Place will be a haven to all children and all things lovely. Quite often when I go down there there is a buzzard sitting in the tree watching over me and I know that there is a connection there with birds of prey being my guides. I know you will be watching over the Pre-school and bringing a calmness and quiet to the place that you always brought with you wherever you went.
We watched some videos yesterday Mum, places we have been, at home, in the garden...your voice, your image made me smile. Then we watched your last night in Japan and I fell apart. You were with Noel and Mark outside a temple, I had rung and was on the phone. Mark passed the phone to you and you said 'Hello sweetie, how are you, what have you been up to?' How I wish I could hear you saying those words to me in person. I have memories, everyone tells me I have memories but memories will never replace your hugs, your laughter, your strength....you....
I'm believing now that you are within me and that I have taken some of that strength to get me through, I have taken some of your wisdom, some of your kindness, some of your patience....I will get through this I just miss you so much.
I love you so specially Mum and always will, I will always carry you in my heart, in my thoughts and actions. If I could be half the woman you were then I will be happy,
I like to think of you and Dad walking along in the fields and trees with Buster and Bramble and Bracken, holding hands and back together again...
that's the image I have of you both smiling and laughing over a secret joke and always can hear you saying... I love you specially my darling girl....
love you specially always Mum
your darling girl
Ruth xxxx

Dear Mum,

It's been hard this Easter without you, I spent nearly a whole day in tears or close to tears. We went to see Liz and Tony and although you didn't come down there at Easter it was the thought of leaving you in Devon that really got to me, I didn't feel that I could be connected down there in the same way. I remember feeling the same about Dad when we went away after he'd died.

I took your photo and the CD with photos on. I did go round to the graveyard on Sunday and sat there and did feel some peace. I didn't go inside the church because it said open from 9am and although the door was open it was only ten to.

I looked at all the gravestones and wondered how many people were left behind greiving for them.

Yesterday you would have been so proud of me Mum, you would have been waiting for my phonecall to let you know that we passed for registration and that Tracey and I were told we were 'suitable people'. We joked about how we were going to get badges made saying MOST SUITABLE PEOPLE. We talked about you in the interview and I know that is one of the reasons I have given up doing Socatots so that I can put the effort into making the pre-school successful, that is one way of keeping your memory well and truly alive. I have also made the decision that I am going to get my OU degree. Something I should have continued before I started with Socatots but I am glad that I did do that, not only have I met some wonderful people through doing that but it's given me the confidence and knowledge of working with pre-school children.

Auntie Brenda's friend Lorna died on Easter Monday she is very sad about that, two people she cared about gone in a couple of months, I didn't know what to say to her to make her feel any better. I was hoping to be able to help her with going to the funeral but I don't know how I can be of any help with having Theo and Oli with me, and it's a long way to go with them, unless I can go for a couple of days...I don't know I will have to see, she did say she might not be able to go but I know she does really want to go.

Anyway I'm going to go out in the garden today and sort the Eucalyptus tree out and the hedge. The last time I did the Eucalyptus was when you were helping me and directing the traffic, do you remember how you kept telling me to stop sawing because there was a car coming and I shouted too late. We did laugh while we did that, it's just very sad that at the time I didn't realise that I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage a short while after that. Sad/happy times. Life is like that isn't it, one minute you are upbeat about something that has gone completely right and then the other you feel like someone has taken your legs out from underneath you because something has gone completely wrong.

I miss you so much Mum, I really wish you were here and I keep trying to work out if you are ok, if you were ok at the hospital and wondering what we would have been doing now if you had come out of the hospital, I expect you would have been visiting here and getting your strength built up bit by bit.

Teasel's microchip information came back yesterday so she is now under my name, that was sad to get that back, another realisation that you are no longer here.

I love you specially Mum,

Ruth xxx

Dear Mum,

I am feeling really low at the moment. There is another viewing at your house today and I get really nervous about it, I don't like the thought of other people walking round your house. I go there to get some comfort and it feels like they will destroy the calm and quietness by being there. I am also not looking forward to leaving Devon and going to Mark's parents for the next few days. It's like leaving you here and I remember we talked about this when we went up to Cumbria after Dad died in the September, you told me that you were taking his picture and that you felt that you would be going to him as we had had such a wonderful time in CUmbria as a family. It's not quite the same going to Sussex, you only ever went there once and there is nowhere there that I can go to find comfort. I thought I might go to the church and visit Mark's Nanny's grave, I will find some comfort there I think.

I will take your photos and the Japan DVD for me to watch while i'm there if I need to. I went to the cemetery yesterday and took you a nice yellow plant for Easter, I got really upset when I had to leave and was still crying on the way home. I know i'm going to get good times and bad times but this is definitely a bad time for me.

I've been packing this morning and half my mind is not on the job, it's taking me hours to do, I keep thinking about all the times i've packed to go away and you have been coming with us, or you have been coming here to have the dogs, I even forgot about the fish being fed because i'm so used to having you here.

I have put myself on chocolate rations to try and stop myself putting on too much weight that won't help my mood I know. I will try and be bright around the boys and while i'm away but people will just have to realise that i'm still having to come to terms with such a huge loss. I can't believe you've gone yet, I still keep expecting to see you, talk to you or something.

I love you so much Mum, it really does hurt not having you here,

love you specially

Ruth xx