Dear Mum,

I am feeling really low at the moment. There is another viewing at your house today and I get really nervous about it, I don't like the thought of other people walking round your house. I go there to get some comfort and it feels like they will destroy the calm and quietness by being there. I am also not looking forward to leaving Devon and going to Mark's parents for the next few days. It's like leaving you here and I remember we talked about this when we went up to Cumbria after Dad died in the September, you told me that you were taking his picture and that you felt that you would be going to him as we had had such a wonderful time in CUmbria as a family. It's not quite the same going to Sussex, you only ever went there once and there is nowhere there that I can go to find comfort. I thought I might go to the church and visit Mark's Nanny's grave, I will find some comfort there I think.

I will take your photos and the Japan DVD for me to watch while i'm there if I need to. I went to the cemetery yesterday and took you a nice yellow plant for Easter, I got really upset when I had to leave and was still crying on the way home. I know i'm going to get good times and bad times but this is definitely a bad time for me.

I've been packing this morning and half my mind is not on the job, it's taking me hours to do, I keep thinking about all the times i've packed to go away and you have been coming with us, or you have been coming here to have the dogs, I even forgot about the fish being fed because i'm so used to having you here.

I have put myself on chocolate rations to try and stop myself putting on too much weight that won't help my mood I know. I will try and be bright around the boys and while i'm away but people will just have to realise that i'm still having to come to terms with such a huge loss. I can't believe you've gone yet, I still keep expecting to see you, talk to you or something.

I love you so much Mum, it really does hurt not having you here,

love you specially

Ruth xx