So the anniversary is upon us again and who can believe it is 5 years since I heard the Dr say 'I'm sorry you're Mum has only got half an hour to live' I relive those moments sometimes at night in my dreams I'm fighting once again with Mum to keep her here with me, sometimes just re-running it in my head. That long, dragging run down the corridor to get to her, the urgent calling to get the vicar to her. Trying to remember the Lord's Prayer and holding her hand tightly whilst whispering in her ear how much she means to me. The silence that fell as the last machine was switched off. The desolation and despair as we drove back home and the anguish of having to tell two young boys that their Nanny wasn't going to be coming home again. Explaining to Oli how some people don't get better when they go to hospital.

Never has my life changed so much so rapidly....there have been some really low points for me over the last few years, being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, brought on through having Post traumatic stress disorder through losing Mum. She really wouldn't have wanted that to happen and I battle everyday to prevent it from stopping me living my life and enjoying my family.

Teasel has been diagnosed with Cushing's disease.....treatable but not the worst case scenario, I really couldn't have coped with losing her so close to this date.

Everywhere people are celebrating Valentine's Day, it's lovely to see but hard to get caught up in the celebrations when all I feel is numb and empty.

The times I have reached for the phone to ring Mum to tell her some news or ask her advice, the times I have wished she was here just for one more day to have one more hug, one more laugh. See her smile and call me her darling girl.

The hardest thing about feeling this pain is knowing that there are others out there who are feeling just as desolate, who cared about her just as much as I did.

I wrote a poem again today as I sat in the sunshine on the bench in the cemetery.

Have you finished?

Sun shines, grieving paused

As other people enter the silence of our heartbreak

I sit and wait

Heartache on hold

Pen poised

Waiting

Seagulls squawking

Blackbirds banter

I sit and wait

Calmness approaches

A wind blows 

Reminding me I'm not alone

Brushing my cheek as you once would have done

Inspiration ceases with a blackbird's whistle

You are not alone in your sadness

Other's hearts ache as yours aches

Tears wiped away we bid each other a cheery hello as we can manage

'Have you finished with the watering can?'

Then move and on with life we go.

February -
a time for people to tell people they love them....pancakes and spring is on it's way.
February for me is one of the hardest months of the year, a reminder that Mum is no longer here, a reminder that yet another year has gone by without me being able to talk to that special lady who knew exactly what to say and do in any situation. Even if it meant that I didn't want to hear what she was saying I always knew deep down that she was right.
Tomorrow Teasel goes back into the vets for more tests....i'm hoping against all hope that we will find out what is going on and she can have some treatment.

I miss my Mum every single day....I just have to try to keep it hidden from everyone around me, they don't want to know how sad I'm feeling do they?

The pictures below are Teasel on her first holiday in Cumbria with Buster 'sharing' her bed. Mum and Teasel on her first week with us in our family. She was so cutchie. (cute)