Dear Mum,
I can't believe that it has been a year since you have gone. Our lives have completely changed, although starting to regain some normality. I miss you every single day, I think about you always and I know you are there, I can hear you as you guide me through decisions I have to make, reassure me when I have doubts and calm me down when i hit those stressful moments.
Theo and Oli are doing so well at school, I am very proud of them as I'm sure you would be if you were still here today, it's when they are doing so well that I miss you the most. How many times this year have I said i'll tell Mum that, Mum would love that, Mum would smile at that.
I don't know how i'd have got through it without Mark and the boys, Mark has really changed this year, he's become so strong and confident you would be proud of him too. He gives me hugs all the time but he leaves the extra special hugs for the times when I most need them. Like today when he left for work, we don't do Valentine's Day we never have. Commercialised to make people money, we don't need one day to tell each other that we love each other we do that everyday...today Mark bought me a bar of chocolate, I'm so glad I have him to keep me strong.
All my friends are so supportive and i'm so grateful for all of them. They understand if I cry, they understand if I want to talk about you, they understand if I don't want to talk. They care and i'm so grateful.
Tanya has restarted Socatots sessions for me, the children and parents are so pleased to be back doing it and i've had some lovely messages from them welcoming us back.
I have started working 2 hours a week as a dinner lady...get that Mum...I used to do that in Gatehouse school, I help out in the classrooms and am loving it, I think being in that environment helps me feel closer to you. Your life was teaching children, you always put children first in your life always and I hope that by helping in my own small way I can do that and continue your good work.
The pre-school is nearly finished Mum, I was hoping it wouldn't be ready in time for your anniversary because I would have been too overwhelmed by it all to enjoy being there. Pauline's Place will be there forever now Mum, recognition of all your hard work and efforts in getting us down there. Pauline's Place will be a haven to all children and all things lovely. Quite often when I go down there there is a buzzard sitting in the tree watching over me and I know that there is a connection there with birds of prey being my guides. I know you will be watching over the Pre-school and bringing a calmness and quiet to the place that you always brought with you wherever you went.
We watched some videos yesterday Mum, places we have been, at home, in the garden...your voice, your image made me smile. Then we watched your last night in Japan and I fell apart. You were with Noel and Mark outside a temple, I had rung and was on the phone. Mark passed the phone to you and you said 'Hello sweetie, how are you, what have you been up to?' How I wish I could hear you saying those words to me in person. I have memories, everyone tells me I have memories but memories will never replace your hugs, your laughter, your strength....you....
I'm believing now that you are within me and that I have taken some of that strength to get me through, I have taken some of your wisdom, some of your kindness, some of your patience....I will get through this I just miss you so much.
I love you so specially Mum and always will, I will always carry you in my heart, in my thoughts and actions. If I could be half the woman you were then I will be happy,
I like to think of you and Dad walking along in the fields and trees with Buster and Bramble and Bracken, holding hands and back together again...
that's the image I have of you both smiling and laughing over a secret joke and always can hear you saying... I love you specially my darling girl....
love you specially always Mum
your darling girl
Ruth xxxx
