Bonfire Night and so much more

Dear Mum,
It's been such a long time since i've been on here and written down how i'm feeling. in February last year I had gastroenteritis and two weeks after that I woke up and struggled to walk, from then on in I've been in pain, every day with only a two week respite when I had a trial of steroids. I am being tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis and now fibromyalgia.
I've had a real up and down time emotionally. On the plus side i've been enjoying my new job as TA at the school, starting my Open Uni course and passing my first TMA. On the down side i've felt physically and emotionally dreadful. I've been short tempered I know and i'm trying so hard not to be with the boys as it's not their fault i'm feeling ill.
Oli has just been given a positive diagnosis for Von Willebrands as well which isn't good news. Although he won't be as bad as I am because he's male it's still not nice to have it hanging over you all the time. Some days I don't know where to turn.
I miss you so much Mum, I would so love to have you here and talk to you face to face about this and everything that is going on. I know you would have been gutted to know that Oli has VW. I know you would have given him a special hug the day we found out and told him not to worry.
Today your bike went, such a hard thing for me to do getting rid of anything that you owned or were part of. I find it really hard to let go of things that I know you have touched and made part of our memories. I know we didn't go biking many times together but I have a very vivid memory of when we took Theo and Oli who was only tiny at the time and Theo got off the bike to sit on the chair that they'd cut out of a tree at Haldon. We don't go to that area now as they have moved cattle there but I have a photo that I took to remind me. He was so proud of himself for getting on to the chair and I think if we'd let him he would have stayed there all day.
I think about you all the time Mum and can hear you sometimes talking to me and telling me what you would have done in a certain situation. I know you would be worried about me now going through all these tests and not feeling great. You would have been here to help me with the boys and keeping me calm. You would have come to the appointments with me as would Dad had he been here too. I'm on my own with this one. M is being brilliant but I do feel alone at times.

Some positive news from the Pre-school....we were rated outstanding in our Ofsted inspection...how fantastic is that? You would have been thrilled with that and I know you would be proud that the girls are working so hard to make the Pre-school at Pauline's Place so special.

I wish you were here Mum but you aren't not in the flesh, but I know you are around me and the family. Please watch over us and please help me find the strength to get through this.
I love you so very specially Mum and miss you so very much,
your darling girl
Ruth xxxx