I've found this week incredibly hard. Whether it's because reality is hitting home hard that you aren't here any more I don't know. Teasel has taken a downhill turn, she's not eaten for 3 days and I firmly believe she is depressed because she knows you aren't coming to get her. I've played with her and given her lots of hugs and yesterday and today she has eaten a little bit. I've had a chat to her and told her that we will all miss you but she will be here now and must try and settle down. It doesn't help having Jazz butting in every five minutes but I know she's only trying to cheer Teasel up.
I've been very tearful the last few days and trying to get on with things. I've enrolled myself back at the hotel in Bovey so I can take Oli swimming which is what we did on Wednesday, he doesn't want to go to Bear Feet anymore, I think it's because he was there with you and it's too painful for him at the moment.
We went shopping today and on the way in the car he asked me who would look after him when I die. I was a bit taken aback but told him that Daddy would look after him and that i'm sure Nanna and Grandad would help as well. I'm not sure whether they would come down here or what would happen I don't really want to think about that possibility at all for the boys....I told him that although I couldn't promise I wasn't going to die that I was going to do all that I could to be around for them both getting bigger and growing up and having children of their own. I asked him why he thought I was going to die and he said 'Because you miss your Mum so much you might want to go and be with her very soon'
He really does think some deep thoughts sometimes. It's true Mum I do miss you loads but I hope you know and now Oli knows that I would never do anything to shorten my life to be with you. I know you didn't believe in anything like that and as much as it is hurting right now I know that life will go on and that the boys will keep me going. Oli, bless him, he doesn't know how important it was for him to have that talk with me this morning. It's certainly made me think about things again.
We planted some seeds this morning after we had been shopping, we bought them before you had gone into hospital and will give us something to look forward to, i'd appreciate a little help if you can though Mum, you know how useless I was at remembering to water plants and seeds, so a few little nudges every now and again will help I'm sure.
I'm not sure whether the combination of peas, beans and sunflowers in the same pot is a good one but we'll see.
I'll be going to pick Theo up soon, he's having a friend home for tea so I expect the house will be noisy in a little while with little boys running round the place. I wish you were here to talk to about things, to give a hug, I think about how that feels being hugged by you and how you used to kiss my cheek and call me you're darling girl. I miss you Mum, don't know how i'm going to get through the next year or so but I will do my best, I know that is what you would have wanted me to do.
I love you specially Mum,
Ruth xxx
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