My Mum15th October 1941 - 14th February 2010
I can't believe that i'm back on my blog letting you know the very sad news that my Mum has passed away. I'm absolutely devastated, I can't believe it's happened and my life and our lives have been turned upside down.
It all happened two weeks ago. My brother and I took my Mum into Derriford Hospital for her operation on February 11th. We stayed with her until we were kicked out talking to the doctor's and anaesthetists, discussing which heart valve to use, mechanical or tissue. Looking back I can't believe we spent so much time making a decision that was completely irrelevant because in the end it only lasted 1 full day! We left Mum to read and get some sleep, all feeling very nervous. We returned at 6am the following morning and found Mum still in bed. She got up and showered and I helped her into her hospital gown, she had her premed and started to drift in and out of sleep, she was relaxed. We walked with her to the theatre and said our goodbyes, both of us getting upset and telling the other one off for doing so. I told her I was going to be around until she came out the other side and that I was going to the Chapel to have a word with the main man! Then we saw her disappear through the doors....I cried....we went for breakfast and Noel went back to Coventry. I went back to the restaurant and spent the next four hours reading and waiting, watching my phone for that dreaded phonecall to say 'I'm sorry but your Mum has gone' Thankfully it never came, Mark came and we went for some lunch. I phoned them at 12pm and they told me that there was no sign of Mum coming back to phone in an hour. I phoned back at 1pm just as Mark dropped me off. Walk slowly back to the ICU and we should be ready for you to come in. I walked slowly back, I rang the bell when I got there and was told to wait. Another lady was waiting and we got talking about who we were in to see and what they had been in for. They finally called her and I through to see our prospective patients.
Mum was in on the left as you went into the door, I remember cleaning my hands carefully making sure I took in no infections. She was through the operation now we just had to get her through the next few hours and she would be woken up and life would begin again. That's what I thought. I walked through the doors, took Mum's hand and told her I was there and that I loved her then the machines starting beeping. I stood back thinking i'd touched something and the Nurse told me to leave. I sat in the waiting room wondering what on earth could be the matter, the lady who had gone in with me was also sent out and she told me that they had called doctors to Mum. I phoned Mark to come, I was in a panic. 1 1/2 hours later someone came out and took me in a small room to tell me that Mum had had a cardiac arrest. They had restarted her heart but she was now on a pacing machine and it might mean that she would have to have a pacemaker at a later date in about two weeks time. I thought great how do I tell Mum she's through one heart op and now she has to have another one.
I went back through to Mum and looked over the equipment that surrounded her...the morphine, the other medication, the blood product, the saline. The heart monitors, SATS monitors, she had tubes coming out of her neck , one out of each hand, the ventilator was in her mouth with a bandage holding it in place. I wanted to hold her to hug her, I couldn't. I kissed her cheek, I told her I was there and how much I loved her, I stroked her forehead. Nothing....just the beeping of machines, the heart rate keeping a steady pace.
I stayed with her for the rest of the day, only leaving her when the nurse wanted to do some checks or other procedures.
By the end of the day they decided that they wouldn't try and take her out of the anaesthetic until after midnight so I decided to leave and get some sleep. I drove home and rang before I went to bed. They were talking about taking her off the ventilator in about 3 hours time. When I rang at 5.45am they had done that. She had come off the ventilator and they had tried to take her off the pacing machine but hadn't been able to. They described her as 'restless but stable'.
I drove back down to Plymouth and parking up got a full day ticket. When I arrived and buzzed the buzzer the nurse came for me and sat me in the little room. She informed me that they thought Mum may have neurological damage but that she had coughed when asked and squeezed someone's hand, not well but she had done it. They said she was 'groggy' and wasn't coming out of the anaesthetic too well but just to give it time.
I went through to her and putting my coat and bag by the wall I told her I was there, she instantly turned her head recognising my voice. My heart leaped, she recognised me that must mean she is going to be ok, i raced over and held her hand and gave her a kiss, as I bent down and spoke to her she tried to open her eyes. Her pupils were fixed and gazing but seeing nothing, my heart broke, my poor Mum couldn't see me. Can you hear me Mum? I asked. She tried desperately to form a word with her mouth but nothing was happening, only a grunt. I told her not to strain trying but I would ask her questions and she was to grunt once for yes and twice for no. I soon realised that that was just too much effort so we eventually stuck with one grunt for yes and nothing for No. I established that she was in pain. 'The problem is' the nurse said ' is that at this point the patient is supposed to be giving themselves the painkiller by pushing this button.' The button that was wrapped round her syringe driver several inches from the bed head and with Mum being as she was she wasn't even aware where she was let alone being able to press a button. The nurse gave her pain relief and I asked Mum a little while later if the pain had gone. She was able to nod a bit. She tried again to say something and I said your lips look dry would you like me to wet them, she nodded. The nurse gave me some sponges in a plastic cup. Mum was like a little bird taking the drops of water with relish, when she had had enough she just lay back and relaxed again. 'Well if this is it then I will cope with this' I thought, we can communicate and she is still here and I can still kiss her and hug her'
At lunchtime Mark arrived and we were asked to leave while they did their turning and other things. After we had eaten we arrived back on the ward and were told that she was still about the same and it was just a case of waiting and giving her time. Then things started to go downhill. The nurse disappeared off the ward for a good while so she could return another patient to a different ward. One to One care we had been told, they were short staffed for pretty much the whole time Mum was there.
Blood tests were being done constantly it seemed and Doctors were appearing talking in hushed voices at the end of the bed. I remember just holding Mum's hand and trying to get her to feel my hand, I asked her at one point if she could feel my hand, she nodded, I asked her if she could squeeze my hand, just the tiniest of movements she made. I felt so sad, my own Mum who had been my rock for so many years couldn't even tell me she loved me or squeeze my hand.
Discussions were being held and returning to the ward on one occasion I over heard the nurse say to another one...'I just don't know what is going on' SHe looked at me worried that I should have heard that, then tried to explain what they thought might be happening. X-rays were done at the bed, Echocardiograms and other doctors were called in. Then came the news I was not wanting to hear. Mum was going to have to go back into surgery to have her heart checked and also her bowel because they thought a part of her bowel may have died which was causing the blood results to be as they were. At 7pm they took Mum back into surgery. I felt at that point in time that I had lost Mum, Mark hugged me as they took her and I shouted I can't lose my Mum, I can't lose my Mum, I can't cope without Mum..... I phoned Noel and told him he needed to come back down. Doctors and nurses kept us informed while Mum was in the theatre. The heart was ok, they were now doing a laparotomy, if that didn't show anything they would do an angiogram to check her arteries, I told them she'd had one done just before Christmas and it was fine. They decided then they wouldn't do that. All the time I kept repeating 'Come on Mum, come on Mum keep strong, keep fighting.' They came back at 10.30 pm and told us that her bowel was indeed partly dead and had removed the tissue and were stitching her back up, they would have to keep her in an induced coma for 3 days and then gradually bring her round. They seemed hopeful. I wasn't so sure but trying to be positive. I didn't want Mum to think I was giving up on her at any point. It was so hard though. Noel arrived and eventually at 10.45 they brought her back to ICU. We were allowed to see her briefly before they were able to get her cleaned up. The first dialysis machine wasn't working so they were going to change her line and try again. We waited and waited. They moved us to another room. I went for a wee and went back to see Mum, they had set up the second dialysis machine and it was giving alarms saying line in low, line out low...I was worried. Mum didn't look like Mum...I knew it was Mum but she had the ventilator back in, she was on more machines and more medication, it surrounded her. She lay still, her face swollen from the drugs I expect, her eyes were slightly open and full of a yellow jelly as though someone had put brolene in her eyes. Her hair was on the pillow, falling out hairs strewn around her head. Her arms were still, her chest was moving unsteadily...beeping and noises. I spoke to Mum I asked her to keep strong, I told her I loved her. I kept stroking her arm, trying to get her to know I was there. I was asked to leave again, I kept trying to get back into see her but wasn't allowed. I was told in no uncertain terms by the Nurse who was getting a bit cross...' I haven't forgotten about you, we are very busy with your Mum at the moment, I will come and get you when you can see her' I said Sorry and walked back to the room. Mark, Noel and Paul sat silently inside, I tried to lie down, I was shattered, I needed sleep desperately but no sleep came....I waited, I listened, whenever i heard footsteps I sat up straight waiting for that nurse to come and say you can come through. At 4am the Doctor and nurse both came and he sat on the windowsill...'I'm sorry' he said, 'Your Mum has deteriorated further, she's gone down hill and there is nothing more we can do, she has about half an hour to live' I was gutted, my whole world was going to be turned upside down in half an hour, I didn't want to listen to this man I wanted to be with my Mum. I ran along the corridor shouting 'get the chaplain' get the chaplain' The nurse said she would try her best.....I ran through to Mum's bed with Mark and Noel following. We stood the three of us, stroking her hands, kissing her cheeks, stroking her forehead, trying to will her to stay with us. I tried desperately to remember the Lord's Prayer I needed to say the prayer so Mum would connect with God. She had such a strong faith and I had none. I was completely in pieces. The chaplain did arrive and said Psalm 23, he anointed her with oils and said prayers for her and for us. We were left alone. The machines were switched off one by one as the alarms came on to say they were not functioning anymore. I listened to the sound of the machine that was pumping blood round...it's rythym changed and I asked the nurse whether it was just a case of waiting now for everything to shut down. She said yes to be honest her blood pressure is only 22/23 so it's virtually non existent. I whispered in Mum's ear to be at peace, I told her loved her so much and that I would miss her terribly. I cried, we all cried. The heart machine started beeping and flatined....i was wondering if I would have to be the one to say that the ventilator had to be switched off as she had made me power of attorney just the week before. But no the heart machine was turned off and the Doctor came and switched off the ventilator. 'I'm sorry' he said and walked out. We were left to say our final goodbyes and leaving Mum's body we turned to go. The nurse handed me two booklets...'do you want to see her when we have removed all the tubes? she asked...I said No thank you....'did you want to wait and speak to the doctor, he'll be about ten minutes.' Ten minutes I thought....if he was bothered he should speak to me now. I just wanted to get home, my heart was broken. I had lost my wonderful, my loving, my funny, my caring Mum. All i wanted to do was dive under the duvet covers and never come out again.
I don't know who's fault it was, I don't know if it's anybody's fault. I don't know who i'm angry with, I don't know what i'm going to do , I don't know how I get through each day but I'm still here and I have two little boys who need a Mummy......
It hurts so much, I can't describe the pain i'm feeling without her. I've felt desolate at times without Dad being around, that's going to be 100 times worse without Mum. She has always been everything to me, I have been able to talk to her about everything, we have confided in each other, we have shared so many jokes, so many tears, so much frustration....
I have noone in this world who knows me as well as she does....nobody will be able to say just the right thing at the right time to make things seem better.
My Mum was THE most wonderful person on this planet and now she has gone. I love you so much Mum, I am going to miss you forever......You will always be MY MUM....
I just hope that you are now reunited with Dad and Bramble and Buster and I will think about you all walking together somewhere peaceful and tranquil and green.
Rest in Peace Mum.....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It all happened two weeks ago. My brother and I took my Mum into Derriford Hospital for her operation on February 11th. We stayed with her until we were kicked out talking to the doctor's and anaesthetists, discussing which heart valve to use, mechanical or tissue. Looking back I can't believe we spent so much time making a decision that was completely irrelevant because in the end it only lasted 1 full day! We left Mum to read and get some sleep, all feeling very nervous. We returned at 6am the following morning and found Mum still in bed. She got up and showered and I helped her into her hospital gown, she had her premed and started to drift in and out of sleep, she was relaxed. We walked with her to the theatre and said our goodbyes, both of us getting upset and telling the other one off for doing so. I told her I was going to be around until she came out the other side and that I was going to the Chapel to have a word with the main man! Then we saw her disappear through the doors....I cried....we went for breakfast and Noel went back to Coventry. I went back to the restaurant and spent the next four hours reading and waiting, watching my phone for that dreaded phonecall to say 'I'm sorry but your Mum has gone' Thankfully it never came, Mark came and we went for some lunch. I phoned them at 12pm and they told me that there was no sign of Mum coming back to phone in an hour. I phoned back at 1pm just as Mark dropped me off. Walk slowly back to the ICU and we should be ready for you to come in. I walked slowly back, I rang the bell when I got there and was told to wait. Another lady was waiting and we got talking about who we were in to see and what they had been in for. They finally called her and I through to see our prospective patients.
Mum was in on the left as you went into the door, I remember cleaning my hands carefully making sure I took in no infections. She was through the operation now we just had to get her through the next few hours and she would be woken up and life would begin again. That's what I thought. I walked through the doors, took Mum's hand and told her I was there and that I loved her then the machines starting beeping. I stood back thinking i'd touched something and the Nurse told me to leave. I sat in the waiting room wondering what on earth could be the matter, the lady who had gone in with me was also sent out and she told me that they had called doctors to Mum. I phoned Mark to come, I was in a panic. 1 1/2 hours later someone came out and took me in a small room to tell me that Mum had had a cardiac arrest. They had restarted her heart but she was now on a pacing machine and it might mean that she would have to have a pacemaker at a later date in about two weeks time. I thought great how do I tell Mum she's through one heart op and now she has to have another one.
I went back through to Mum and looked over the equipment that surrounded her...the morphine, the other medication, the blood product, the saline. The heart monitors, SATS monitors, she had tubes coming out of her neck , one out of each hand, the ventilator was in her mouth with a bandage holding it in place. I wanted to hold her to hug her, I couldn't. I kissed her cheek, I told her I was there and how much I loved her, I stroked her forehead. Nothing....just the beeping of machines, the heart rate keeping a steady pace.
I stayed with her for the rest of the day, only leaving her when the nurse wanted to do some checks or other procedures.
By the end of the day they decided that they wouldn't try and take her out of the anaesthetic until after midnight so I decided to leave and get some sleep. I drove home and rang before I went to bed. They were talking about taking her off the ventilator in about 3 hours time. When I rang at 5.45am they had done that. She had come off the ventilator and they had tried to take her off the pacing machine but hadn't been able to. They described her as 'restless but stable'.
I drove back down to Plymouth and parking up got a full day ticket. When I arrived and buzzed the buzzer the nurse came for me and sat me in the little room. She informed me that they thought Mum may have neurological damage but that she had coughed when asked and squeezed someone's hand, not well but she had done it. They said she was 'groggy' and wasn't coming out of the anaesthetic too well but just to give it time.
I went through to her and putting my coat and bag by the wall I told her I was there, she instantly turned her head recognising my voice. My heart leaped, she recognised me that must mean she is going to be ok, i raced over and held her hand and gave her a kiss, as I bent down and spoke to her she tried to open her eyes. Her pupils were fixed and gazing but seeing nothing, my heart broke, my poor Mum couldn't see me. Can you hear me Mum? I asked. She tried desperately to form a word with her mouth but nothing was happening, only a grunt. I told her not to strain trying but I would ask her questions and she was to grunt once for yes and twice for no. I soon realised that that was just too much effort so we eventually stuck with one grunt for yes and nothing for No. I established that she was in pain. 'The problem is' the nurse said ' is that at this point the patient is supposed to be giving themselves the painkiller by pushing this button.' The button that was wrapped round her syringe driver several inches from the bed head and with Mum being as she was she wasn't even aware where she was let alone being able to press a button. The nurse gave her pain relief and I asked Mum a little while later if the pain had gone. She was able to nod a bit. She tried again to say something and I said your lips look dry would you like me to wet them, she nodded. The nurse gave me some sponges in a plastic cup. Mum was like a little bird taking the drops of water with relish, when she had had enough she just lay back and relaxed again. 'Well if this is it then I will cope with this' I thought, we can communicate and she is still here and I can still kiss her and hug her'
At lunchtime Mark arrived and we were asked to leave while they did their turning and other things. After we had eaten we arrived back on the ward and were told that she was still about the same and it was just a case of waiting and giving her time. Then things started to go downhill. The nurse disappeared off the ward for a good while so she could return another patient to a different ward. One to One care we had been told, they were short staffed for pretty much the whole time Mum was there.
Blood tests were being done constantly it seemed and Doctors were appearing talking in hushed voices at the end of the bed. I remember just holding Mum's hand and trying to get her to feel my hand, I asked her at one point if she could feel my hand, she nodded, I asked her if she could squeeze my hand, just the tiniest of movements she made. I felt so sad, my own Mum who had been my rock for so many years couldn't even tell me she loved me or squeeze my hand.
Discussions were being held and returning to the ward on one occasion I over heard the nurse say to another one...'I just don't know what is going on' SHe looked at me worried that I should have heard that, then tried to explain what they thought might be happening. X-rays were done at the bed, Echocardiograms and other doctors were called in. Then came the news I was not wanting to hear. Mum was going to have to go back into surgery to have her heart checked and also her bowel because they thought a part of her bowel may have died which was causing the blood results to be as they were. At 7pm they took Mum back into surgery. I felt at that point in time that I had lost Mum, Mark hugged me as they took her and I shouted I can't lose my Mum, I can't lose my Mum, I can't cope without Mum..... I phoned Noel and told him he needed to come back down. Doctors and nurses kept us informed while Mum was in the theatre. The heart was ok, they were now doing a laparotomy, if that didn't show anything they would do an angiogram to check her arteries, I told them she'd had one done just before Christmas and it was fine. They decided then they wouldn't do that. All the time I kept repeating 'Come on Mum, come on Mum keep strong, keep fighting.' They came back at 10.30 pm and told us that her bowel was indeed partly dead and had removed the tissue and were stitching her back up, they would have to keep her in an induced coma for 3 days and then gradually bring her round. They seemed hopeful. I wasn't so sure but trying to be positive. I didn't want Mum to think I was giving up on her at any point. It was so hard though. Noel arrived and eventually at 10.45 they brought her back to ICU. We were allowed to see her briefly before they were able to get her cleaned up. The first dialysis machine wasn't working so they were going to change her line and try again. We waited and waited. They moved us to another room. I went for a wee and went back to see Mum, they had set up the second dialysis machine and it was giving alarms saying line in low, line out low...I was worried. Mum didn't look like Mum...I knew it was Mum but she had the ventilator back in, she was on more machines and more medication, it surrounded her. She lay still, her face swollen from the drugs I expect, her eyes were slightly open and full of a yellow jelly as though someone had put brolene in her eyes. Her hair was on the pillow, falling out hairs strewn around her head. Her arms were still, her chest was moving unsteadily...beeping and noises. I spoke to Mum I asked her to keep strong, I told her I loved her. I kept stroking her arm, trying to get her to know I was there. I was asked to leave again, I kept trying to get back into see her but wasn't allowed. I was told in no uncertain terms by the Nurse who was getting a bit cross...' I haven't forgotten about you, we are very busy with your Mum at the moment, I will come and get you when you can see her' I said Sorry and walked back to the room. Mark, Noel and Paul sat silently inside, I tried to lie down, I was shattered, I needed sleep desperately but no sleep came....I waited, I listened, whenever i heard footsteps I sat up straight waiting for that nurse to come and say you can come through. At 4am the Doctor and nurse both came and he sat on the windowsill...'I'm sorry' he said, 'Your Mum has deteriorated further, she's gone down hill and there is nothing more we can do, she has about half an hour to live' I was gutted, my whole world was going to be turned upside down in half an hour, I didn't want to listen to this man I wanted to be with my Mum. I ran along the corridor shouting 'get the chaplain' get the chaplain' The nurse said she would try her best.....I ran through to Mum's bed with Mark and Noel following. We stood the three of us, stroking her hands, kissing her cheeks, stroking her forehead, trying to will her to stay with us. I tried desperately to remember the Lord's Prayer I needed to say the prayer so Mum would connect with God. She had such a strong faith and I had none. I was completely in pieces. The chaplain did arrive and said Psalm 23, he anointed her with oils and said prayers for her and for us. We were left alone. The machines were switched off one by one as the alarms came on to say they were not functioning anymore. I listened to the sound of the machine that was pumping blood round...it's rythym changed and I asked the nurse whether it was just a case of waiting now for everything to shut down. She said yes to be honest her blood pressure is only 22/23 so it's virtually non existent. I whispered in Mum's ear to be at peace, I told her loved her so much and that I would miss her terribly. I cried, we all cried. The heart machine started beeping and flatined....i was wondering if I would have to be the one to say that the ventilator had to be switched off as she had made me power of attorney just the week before. But no the heart machine was turned off and the Doctor came and switched off the ventilator. 'I'm sorry' he said and walked out. We were left to say our final goodbyes and leaving Mum's body we turned to go. The nurse handed me two booklets...'do you want to see her when we have removed all the tubes? she asked...I said No thank you....'did you want to wait and speak to the doctor, he'll be about ten minutes.' Ten minutes I thought....if he was bothered he should speak to me now. I just wanted to get home, my heart was broken. I had lost my wonderful, my loving, my funny, my caring Mum. All i wanted to do was dive under the duvet covers and never come out again.
I don't know who's fault it was, I don't know if it's anybody's fault. I don't know who i'm angry with, I don't know what i'm going to do , I don't know how I get through each day but I'm still here and I have two little boys who need a Mummy......
It hurts so much, I can't describe the pain i'm feeling without her. I've felt desolate at times without Dad being around, that's going to be 100 times worse without Mum. She has always been everything to me, I have been able to talk to her about everything, we have confided in each other, we have shared so many jokes, so many tears, so much frustration....
I have noone in this world who knows me as well as she does....nobody will be able to say just the right thing at the right time to make things seem better.
My Mum was THE most wonderful person on this planet and now she has gone. I love you so much Mum, I am going to miss you forever......You will always be MY MUM....
I just hope that you are now reunited with Dad and Bramble and Buster and I will think about you all walking together somewhere peaceful and tranquil and green.
Rest in Peace Mum.....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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