Dear Mum,

I'm not sure how long it's been since i've last written, I seem to have been very busy. I've started to clear some things from the house and had to go over there the other night to find Dad's Death certificate, after searching through all your files and paperwork I eventually found it in his bureaux. Think you might have given me a wink for that one.

I found the books that you had written, which i'd read once or twice before, i'm going to see if I can get them published for you, what a great thing that would be. I just wish they had been published before so you could have seen it for yourself.

I went over to the cemetery today and changed the flowers over, I had to put the Nanny flowers in the bin and thought perhaps I should have kept the plastic trellis it was on, but not sure what use I could have made of it. I hope you didn't mind me doing that.

I've left you some carnations which will hopefully open up over the next few days for you and Dad. I did feel that you were there with me when I sat on the bench. I closed my eyes and asked why you had to go and leave me on my own here, I told you that I missed you so much and that I loved you specially. I felt the sun shine warm on my hand and then my face and the clouds had parted. It really felt like you were giving me a big hug Mum and I just wanted to sit there all day. Thank you for that.....

I had to get home though because Theo is poorly, he's got a raging temperature and his glands are up, his throat looks sore and he's not really eating or drinking. I am dreading it if i have to take him to the hospital or the doctors. Oli has already asked why the hospital couldn't make you better because that's what they are supposed to do....I would imagine they will worry if I have to take him to hospital but hopefully it's just a viral thing and we can get him through it without the need of doctors or hospitals.

Please help look after him tonight Mum and Dad too, watch over him and let me know if he is struggling.

I got really upset when I left the cemetery, I don't know why but I feel calm there and at your house, I felt like I was leaving you again today. I am going to sort out with Noel about the headstone so we can get your name on it instead of the wooden cross, although I quite like the wooden cross. There is a headstone in the cemetery that is grey with a couple of roses at the top carved into the stone, it looks really lovely...I did wonder whether to redo Dad's one like that but I know you would have said it wasn't necessary so I am going to see if I can find a stone carved rose to put on the grave or even keep it here in the garden, I know they can be funny about what goes into the cemetery.

Oli has passed his Duckling 2 swimming certificate I know you would have been so proud of him for doing this, I so wish you were here to give him a hug and tell him how well he is doing. I know he misses you so much too. He went on his own this morning because Theo was so unwell and he was doing lots of great things, turning over onto his back on his own with the woggle. Taking him swimming during the week seems to have given him so much confidence already. I just wish it was in different circumstances. Maybe this was the only way that I was going to see what was truly important to me but it is so hard not having you here, I don't think people realise sometimes how much our lives intertwined, how we are so connected.

Theo has gone to sleep now again but this time in bed, Oli is playing in the bath with Mark watching over him.

I'll be going to bed early again tonight, I seem to be so tired at the moment, don't seem to get much energy in me to do much even though there is so much to do.

We have booked a holiday to Centre Parcs, we are going to Whinfell Forest, I want to go and visit the places that were special to us up there while i'm there, go for a walk where we stayed on our last holiday together, it was just you and I next to the Lake at my school reunion. I remember how worried you were that I hadn't answered my phone and how horrible I felt that i'd made you worry. I remember how you asked me if I wanted you to walk to the car to meet me....you waited up for me and we had a hug before we both went to sleep.

I loved spending that time with you, I wish we had had more times together like that,

I miss you Mum,

I love you very specially,

sending you a huge hug in return for the one you sent me today,

your 'darling girl'

Ruth xxxx