Somedays I really miss my Mum and Dad, memories are triggered by an event, song or thought. Today we will be attempting the pumpkin carving and it always reminds me of the times I did it with my Mum and Dad not with pumpkins though, we always had swedes from the farmer up the road. Hollowing those out was a really hard job and we had lots of help but the carvings lasted so much longer than the pumpkins. Candles in they did the job. We didn't really do trick or treating in Cumbria where I lived, we had mischief night, which as the name tells it we just got up to mischief. So not big bowls of sweets or goodies for us, we used to borrow people's gates. Move them around the village and on one marvellous occasion we even managed to hide one in the vicar's van!
Memories there to make us feel closer to those that we miss so much.
The photo below was Theo when he was toddling, his first Halloween outfit, he wasn't very impressed but we did the Halloween trick or treating with Mum and went round to next door's with our sweets that we had dropped round earlier!

So it would have been my Dad's birthday today and I had planned to go to the cemetery in the morning but as is the case all best laid plans and all that I didn't actually arrive at the cemetery until nearly 9pm! Anyway I made it and I'm glad I went. I always feel so much more calmer there, an inner peace, it is almost like I'm being held close and all my worries are being removed when I'm there.

I had gone in when it was dusk, taking my head torch, the cemetery looked peaceful with various solar lights placed around different graves, lots of new ones and that always makes me feel sad because that's more people who will be missing their loved ones.
I walk for the watering can as normal and down to the cremation plots, 6 along and  in. The rockery plant is doing really well and although the soil was quite dry today the plant itself is really healthy, I've taken quite a few cuttings off today and I will plant them up and perhaps give them to people as presents to have...part of Mum's plant. Will people think that's weird or will they accept it for what it's meant to be a gesture of love?

I don't know....all I know is that I've finally found a plant that will survive at Teignmouth cemetery, something which Mum left me as a challenge because she could never find one that lasted long enough. I think she would be proud of me.

Anyway back to my Dad, he meant so much to me and I do miss him and his wise words, his warm hugs. He was kind to everyone and helped anyone who needed help. It was funny someone posted on facebook today about you haven't done a days work until you've done a day baling hay...and it reminded me of being with Dad and helping out on the farm, he was so strong and able and I tried my best to be just like him.

When he died, Theo was just 5 days old , I remember vividly the last time I saw him, with Theo and he was lying in bed so very poorly. He lifted his huge hand up to Theo who was in the car seat and put his finger to Theo's hand, Theo grabbed his finger and he looked at me and just simply said 'Marvelous' he didn't need to say anything else. That moment was happiness for him, he had stayed alive to meet Theo and he made it. I was so very proud of him for doing that for me. I just wish as I wish now with Mum that they were both still here to see the boys and be a part of our lives, they would have loved to have seen how Theo has matured this last year, they would have been going on dog walks with us and joining us for picnics this summer and I'm pretty sure my garden would be a lot tidier and my house a lot tidier too!

I miss you Dad so much, I really hope you've had your cider in heaven or wherever you are, Happy Birthday with special love xx

The writing below was what I wrote for Dad for his funeral:

My Dad

 

My dad. He was a man that you couldn’t help loving, so strong, so kind and caring. The reason I loved him so much was because we chose to love each other. There was nothing I liked better than a hug from my dad now all I’ve got are the memories and warmth from the love he gave. There are so many memories of my dad but here are just a few things I’ll remember about him.

 

I’ll remember all the times we shared, the secret trips when we never knew where we were going till we got there. The times at home playing cards and never being able to beat him, watching the northern lights or the kestrel hovering in the garden, the bonfires on bonfire night and the Halloween lanterns carved out of swede.

 

I’ll remember all the things he did for me, looking after me when I was unwell, the perfectly boiled eggs, the house moves he helped me with, the gardening he did for me, the birthday cakes he baked for me including the first one he did where the icing had all melted down the sides and you could just make out the happy birthday Ruth.

 

I’ll remember the things he made for me, the guinea pig run from the old coal bunker, the dolls house and the furniture that he made, the cross stitch picture, and most recently a rug for Theo.

 

I’ll remember his trips to the salerooms in Penrith and here in Teignmouth returning with his many bargains most useful but even those without a use usually ended up becoming part of his many schemes and plans to fix this or mend that.

 

I’ll remember his porch that he built, that fell down and then was revamped complete with screwdriver to keep it from falling down again. His waterbutt system that took many hours to devise.

 

I’ll remember him for what he meant to me, a dad, a carer, a protector, my best friend, my gardening advisor, my driving instructor even after I drove on the wrong side of the road with a car coming the other way, and even a tipster on Grand National Day.

 

I’ll remember his smile, his laugh, his big hands, his cap, his patience with me, his hugs, the way he could always get the numbers bit on Countdown, his strength and kindness.

 

I couldn’t have wished for a better Dad and although I’ll miss him terribly I know he’ll be looking after me in his own special way and I’m going to keep remembering, keep smiling, keep feeling the warmth of his love around me and keep making him proud of me.

 

I want to say thankyou for being the best dad ever, the dad I never thought I’d have, I just want to end with a poem that I found that says it all.

 

You can shed tears that he is gone

Or smile that he has lived

 

You can close your eyes and pray he’ll come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

 

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him

Or you can be full of the love you share

 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

 

You can remember him only that he has gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

 

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he’d want, smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

 

 

Mother's Day

I used to love Mother's Day making a card and cobbling together breakfast in bed with a flower taken from the garden. I remember one Mother's Day that Mum had bought herself some Honesty branches. If you don't know what that is then google it. The beautiful part is when you peel away the brown shell of the seed pod to reveal the silvery soft inner part. I didn't know this. When Mum asked me to get it ready in a vase I took the whole seed pod off and she was left with sticks. Did she shout at me? Did she sulk because I'd done it wrong? No she just looked at me smiled and said 'Those sticks look beautiful' it wasn't until a little while later that she told me what I'd done. Perhaps this is why now I have a love of sticks...who knows. Our Mothers teach us how to be in the world, they show us how to love, care and nurture things. Sometimes people aren't so lucky but I know I had one of the most amazing Mums around.

The clip below reminds me what life lessons my Mum taught me...life can be rocky, sometimes you have to hang on, sometimes you can smile, some things are worth jumping up and down for. People will push past you, get in the way but mostly those around who care for you are standing there rooting for you, urging you on, encouraging you until you have won the battle. Once that battle is won then there is always time to sigh and pull a face! Love you Mum and missing you so much today as always. I, honestly thought that this year I could do it, I could get through without that sadness welling up inside me. I very nearly did. 

Mum you helped me become the person I am today and I'm so very honoured to have had you as my Mum. I hope that I will continue to make you proud as I carry on through life, hopefully showing the boys what it is to love and be loved unconditionally.

https://youtu.be/wWp-RadQ6Z8

So the anniversary is upon us again and who can believe it is 5 years since I heard the Dr say 'I'm sorry you're Mum has only got half an hour to live' I relive those moments sometimes at night in my dreams I'm fighting once again with Mum to keep her here with me, sometimes just re-running it in my head. That long, dragging run down the corridor to get to her, the urgent calling to get the vicar to her. Trying to remember the Lord's Prayer and holding her hand tightly whilst whispering in her ear how much she means to me. The silence that fell as the last machine was switched off. The desolation and despair as we drove back home and the anguish of having to tell two young boys that their Nanny wasn't going to be coming home again. Explaining to Oli how some people don't get better when they go to hospital.

Never has my life changed so much so rapidly....there have been some really low points for me over the last few years, being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, brought on through having Post traumatic stress disorder through losing Mum. She really wouldn't have wanted that to happen and I battle everyday to prevent it from stopping me living my life and enjoying my family.

Teasel has been diagnosed with Cushing's disease.....treatable but not the worst case scenario, I really couldn't have coped with losing her so close to this date.

Everywhere people are celebrating Valentine's Day, it's lovely to see but hard to get caught up in the celebrations when all I feel is numb and empty.

The times I have reached for the phone to ring Mum to tell her some news or ask her advice, the times I have wished she was here just for one more day to have one more hug, one more laugh. See her smile and call me her darling girl.

The hardest thing about feeling this pain is knowing that there are others out there who are feeling just as desolate, who cared about her just as much as I did.

I wrote a poem again today as I sat in the sunshine on the bench in the cemetery.

Have you finished?

Sun shines, grieving paused

As other people enter the silence of our heartbreak

I sit and wait

Heartache on hold

Pen poised

Waiting

Seagulls squawking

Blackbirds banter

I sit and wait

Calmness approaches

A wind blows 

Reminding me I'm not alone

Brushing my cheek as you once would have done

Inspiration ceases with a blackbird's whistle

You are not alone in your sadness

Other's hearts ache as yours aches

Tears wiped away we bid each other a cheery hello as we can manage

'Have you finished with the watering can?'

Then move and on with life we go.

February -
a time for people to tell people they love them....pancakes and spring is on it's way.
February for me is one of the hardest months of the year, a reminder that Mum is no longer here, a reminder that yet another year has gone by without me being able to talk to that special lady who knew exactly what to say and do in any situation. Even if it meant that I didn't want to hear what she was saying I always knew deep down that she was right.
Tomorrow Teasel goes back into the vets for more tests....i'm hoping against all hope that we will find out what is going on and she can have some treatment.

I miss my Mum every single day....I just have to try to keep it hidden from everyone around me, they don't want to know how sad I'm feeling do they?

The pictures below are Teasel on her first holiday in Cumbria with Buster 'sharing' her bed. Mum and Teasel on her first week with us in our family. She was so cutchie. (cute) 

Feeling rather tearful at the moment. Teasel has had a couple of trips to the vet and it appears now that she has got some sort of lump in her liver, enlarged liver and enlarged adrenal glands. Still waiting for blood test results to see if it's Cushing's Disease, if it's not that then something is going wrong with her liver. I'm not giving up hope just yet, she's ok in herself just needing lots of drinks and wees. She's gone a bit bald in patches as well...even balder today after the tests were done.
She is such a character and such a special little dog. I just don't know how i'll cope if I find out it's something horrible tomorrow. :( Love you little TeasyPeas....xxx

Freddy! That's what I call my Fibromyalgia and he's being a pain today...literally. What I would like to know is how can a walk with the boys and the dogs leave me in so much pain. I cannot walk on my right foot tonight, it feels like I should have fallen on it and twisted the ankle and it should be black and blue with bruises but no nothing just the fibromyalgia, over reacting, annoying fibromyalgia.
I don't like complaining, Mark's not well, fluey thing. I don't want to plaster it all over facebook, people don't want to read sad things or moaning. So i'll bring it here, where I come if I need to talk and don't know who else or what else to talk to.
Really feeling cross with it all today. I didn't go too far with the boys, yes I wore wellies which I know Freddy doesn't like because it's a bit of extra weight to carry, but please just give me a break. Please let me for once wake up without having to stoop like an old lady to get to the toilet. Please for once can I be able to get out of bed without having to hold onto the cupboard and haul myself out, let me muscles work first thing in the morning, let me be able to walk down the stairs without having to hold on tightly to the bannister as every step is painful. Let me head be pain free, let me not feel sick when i've eaten. Please for one day just let me be able to go for a walk without feeling like i've run a marathon.
Moan over, normal service will now resume.

Nearly 2015, I wonder how many posts I'll get in next year?
I wish everyone who reads this the best of everything they wish for themselves.
x

Visiting Mum

Visiting Mum

 

Mum, what would you say?

Mum, what would you do?

In times when I need to talk

I can no longer come and see you.

 

I talk to you constantly

Replies racing through my mind

'Least said, soonest mended'

'Always try to be kind'

 

You were caring and compassionate

You always said what was true

Even when it might hurt a little

You were always true to you.

 

Mum, I miss your frankness

Your laughter and your twinkling smile

It's been four and a half years now

so short and at the same time a huge while.

 

I still see you in my mind's eye,

Your warmth still holds me close

but it's your hugs and words of wisdom

that I miss the very most.

 

So I sit here as the morning sunshine

beats down warmly on my face

I cherish all the times we shared

whilst I think about them in this place.

 

The sun I feel is not just the sun

I know that truly in my heart

It's your love that you send down to me

to show we'll never be apart.

 

Whenever I need to talk to you

or need a hug so much

you send me signs to show you hear

and send the rain and sun to touch.

 

I love you Mum and miss you

with each and every passing day.

I'm being stronger and do less crying

well in public it's the best way.

 

My tears will leak and tumble down

when standing by your polished stone

But I know that you are here with me

and I'll Never be alone.

 

I know that you have understood

why my visits are less frequent

it's not that I've forgotten you

or I'm turning all delinquent.

 

I have my own wonderful family

who need me to be there

So sometimes on your birthday Mum

I have to whisper you a little prayer.

 

So thank you Mum for listening

to these words I come to say

I keep your love within me

each and every single day.

 

Happy Birthday Mum, Love and Miss you Always

Your darling girl

Ruth xx

 

A busy day ended with some sadness. Our gerbils live in our kitchen and just get on with their lives being no trouble to anyone. We feed them, we clean them out they get out and have a ride round in their plastic balls. They are part of our family. Tonight I was aware that the noise levels from the kitchen weren't as loud as they normally are with two gerbils running round and discovered that Theo's gerbil Messi has sadly died. She was a real sweetie, blond in colour and always the thinner of the two gerbils. She was more shy but had recently been brave to come and get her daily treat at the doorway.
So we told Theo and had tears and upset, it's taken me two hours to settle him. I cried harder than I probably should have done because of losing Mum, it brings it all back. He didn't want to see Messi so i've carefully wrapped her up ready for the burial tomorrow. He decided how he wanted her wrapped and I've cut up a pink scarf I had as a special burial cloak.
It's always sad to lose any animal as they are part of the family, Night Sky the gerbil that is left seems happy enough mooching around on her own in the gerbilarium. I hate saying goodbyes, tomorrow is going to be horrible.
Rest in peace Messi, I hope you enjoyed your life with us, thank you for being such a lovely gerbil for Theo.
xxx

Sunny days, fires and nearly hot chocolate!

I'm full of cold still, have been for a few days, tricky when you already have fibromyalgia to deal with as well. I suppose that's why it takes so long to shift these fairly normal occurrences. Anyway no time to sit and mope about today, Oli was off playing at a friend's house so I took Theo to a different friend and was expecting to sit quietly while they played on the trampoline and made dens. No such luck...'please can we make a fire?' Training to be a Forest School Leader is great but it also comes with the aspect that whenever a child is around they want to be lighting fires with my fire lighter (which luckily I now keep in my handbag so I have it for just these occasions). So we built a small fire which soon went out when the boys got distracted with other things. Built a second one and then christened their brand new, shiny Kelly Kettle. We ended the afternoon with warm hot chocolate but like I tell them in Forest School it's a treat and we've made that happen by keeping the fire going. I love days like today, getting the children out and about in the fresh air, playing with sticks and finding things that would make good fires. The dead leaves around the laurel bush went off like firecrackers...they liked those lots!

Makes me sad

Day 3 of the Easter holidays and it's tinged with sadness. I had a blood test this morning to check my thyroid levels as I'm subclinically hypothyroid. Have symptoms but not being treated or something like that anyway. 

Mark came home so he was collected from Exeter train station this afternoon. We've had a day at home today in between jobs. I was going to go swimming but found out the pool would have closed by the time I got up there after eating so that's a shame.

Anyway today Peaches Geldof has been found dead at her home, she was 25 years old. It has really made me feel sad. I was a fan of her Mum's Paula Yates and followed her with interest, used to watch her on the TV on the various shows she was involved in. Then followed the news when she died and the battle to keep Heavenly with her sisters and Bob Geldof as he dad had died too. So it was a shock to read today that she has died. There are no details as to how she died, a mother of two very young boys we can only presume that perhaps the stress has got to her somehow. What she must have been going through having lost her own Mum we can only begin to imagine for someone so young. Becoming a Mum herself it must have hit her pretty hard that her own Mum was never going to see those boys, never going to share in them growing up. It's hard enough for me knowing that my Mum isn't going to be here to see them developing into the lovely young men I know they will become but I would hope that life never seems so unbearable that I would feel the need to turn to drugs or alcohol to help myself feel better. 

I have my low days, low weeks even but never would I dream of taking my own life. So for someone, if indeed that is what has happened, to do that things must have been pretty bleak. 

I feel for her Dad, Bob Geldof, who has lived through so much heartache already and now has to go through it all again...and worse....thoughts are with you and your family Sir Bob, thoughts are with those two boys.

RIP Peaches, may you find some peace wherever you may be. 

Day Two of the Easter holidays saw us taking a dip at Finlake after renewing my membership. Shame Mark couldn't be there to join in the fun too. It was the first time i'd been swimming with the boys where they were getting changed on their own without me in the room with them but I need not have worried they were beautifully behaved and managed it all without any fuss or nonsense. I must admit to being a tad grateful that I could just concentrate on getting myself changed. After the swim we stayed for a yummy carvery.

We drove home in the drizzle and picked up the dogs and headed out again to Stover for a walk in the woods. Oli took his ball with him and played dodge the poo! He did a pretty good job of it too.
Then it was home for some ironing (oh the joys) and trying to get my tummy to feel less full. I feel happy to have had some exercise though and can't wait till tomorrow when we can go swimming again hopefully! Just like we are on holiday! Oh yes forgot we are..... :)

 

Here are the boys with the 'yellow tufted birdy thing' and showing off the football skills at Stover.

Day One - Easter Holidays

Day One - Easter Holidays
After a busy start to the day with swimming lessons and Dance lessons the day slowed with a film and a cuddle on the sofa whilst eating lunch. Some science fiction/action type film, the name eludes me. Then it was off to Stover for a walk and kickabout with the boys and dogs. Mark is away in Croydon at the moment so had a chat to him on the phone before his marathon shift. Home and discovered what we think is a robin's egg in the garden, it was cold and when Oli tried to sit on it he cracked it and discovered 'an egg'. They were quite amazed to see that it was just like a normal egg but on a tinier scale. Then after managing to get a couple of jobs done it was tea time and time for another film. National Treasure which we realised once we'd started it that we'd seen it before but it was a good film so the boys carried on watching it whilst I washed up. Late into bed tonight after speaking to Mark on the phone and reading our story. The boys watched videos of themselves that they'd been making. I'm hoping for a restful evening now before I head up to bed.

Mother's Day

To be a Mum is to be the queen yet a worker all in one.

You love, you toil tirelessly,  your day is never done.

To lose a Mum is to lose a special piece of your heart

You never want her to leave, never to be apart.

So on Mother's Day remember not only the Mums that are here

But think about those who in our hearts we hold dear.

On Mother's Day I think of you as I lay flowers at your grave

I weep silently and try to remember those hugs that I crave.

Your love for me was endless, pure and simple too

Never questioned needlessly the many things I do.

I miss you Mum, the pain inside it never goes away

I wish that I could see you even just for one more day.

I'd hold you close, I'd tell you how much you mean to me

I know that seeing you like that is never going to be.

But I know that you are watching over my precious family

Caring for us, guiding us through, steadfastly.

I thank you on this day Mum and every other too

For giving so much love and just for being you.

Love you specially Mum always xxx 

Valentine's Day Anniversary

Well I made it through yesterday, lots of tears first thing and last thing but whilst I was at school I managed to keep it under control. It's really hard to feel such pain and keep it hidden all the time though. Like I said to my brother on the phone...it's just not fair. Why were you taken from us so soon? I get really cross at times about this and do feel like contacting the hospital but at the end of the day it is not going to bring you back so I stop myself getting cross and angry and try to concentrate on the good times, the fun times and the love you gave me and still do.
I'm trying to get some video clips onto youtube to share with the family but it's not working and I'm so tired now at the end of half term, I'm going to get Mark to have a look and see if he can help out to get it working.


I love you so much Mum, you mean so much to me, you gave me so much and supported me so ferociously through life. I miss having you fighting for my corner, standing there urging me on, advising me on the best way to deal with whatever issue I was facing at the time....I told you before you died that you were my rock...I still like to think that you are still there rooting for me and sending me those little 'Godwinks'.


special love Mum always
xxx

So sad....

Well Mum....it's very nearly 4 years since you died. This time four years ago I was sitting in the hospital holding your hand, talking to you and praying that everything was going to be ok. The hospital were doing various tests because you weren't responding as you should have been and the blood tests were going the wrong way.
I miss you so so much, nobody will understand how close we were and what you mean to me. Tonight Oli moved up into Cubs and was invested.....I shed a few more tears than I probably should because I know you would have been there smiling and you would be so proud of the young man he is becoming and Theo there standing proudly watching too.
Mum I don't know how I'm going to be tomorrow I have spent the last two weeks talking to myself, telling myself to be strong and happy and keep smiling, thinking that this year I can do it, I can get through without tears but the minute I let my guard down the tears fall and the sadness overwhelms me. Life without you is so hard, each day I want to talk to you, tell you things, have a hug like only you can give me. Share with you the things I've been doing, discuss the problems I have, talk through the exciting things that are happening with the boys. Theo starting drum lessons....he's finally showing an interest in something that he can do on his own. I'm so very proud of the boys Mum, I know you would be too.
I miss you all the time, I love you always
tomorrow will be hard but I will try to keep positive and smile.
love you specially Mum always xxxxx