So it would have been my Dad's birthday today and I had planned to go to the cemetery in the morning but as is the case all best laid plans and all that I didn't actually arrive at the cemetery until nearly 9pm! Anyway I made it and I'm glad I went. I always feel so much more calmer there, an inner peace, it is almost like I'm being held close and all my worries are being removed when I'm there.

I had gone in when it was dusk, taking my head torch, the cemetery looked peaceful with various solar lights placed around different graves, lots of new ones and that always makes me feel sad because that's more people who will be missing their loved ones.
I walk for the watering can as normal and down to the cremation plots, 6 along and  in. The rockery plant is doing really well and although the soil was quite dry today the plant itself is really healthy, I've taken quite a few cuttings off today and I will plant them up and perhaps give them to people as presents to have...part of Mum's plant. Will people think that's weird or will they accept it for what it's meant to be a gesture of love?

I don't know....all I know is that I've finally found a plant that will survive at Teignmouth cemetery, something which Mum left me as a challenge because she could never find one that lasted long enough. I think she would be proud of me.

Anyway back to my Dad, he meant so much to me and I do miss him and his wise words, his warm hugs. He was kind to everyone and helped anyone who needed help. It was funny someone posted on facebook today about you haven't done a days work until you've done a day baling hay...and it reminded me of being with Dad and helping out on the farm, he was so strong and able and I tried my best to be just like him.

When he died, Theo was just 5 days old , I remember vividly the last time I saw him, with Theo and he was lying in bed so very poorly. He lifted his huge hand up to Theo who was in the car seat and put his finger to Theo's hand, Theo grabbed his finger and he looked at me and just simply said 'Marvelous' he didn't need to say anything else. That moment was happiness for him, he had stayed alive to meet Theo and he made it. I was so very proud of him for doing that for me. I just wish as I wish now with Mum that they were both still here to see the boys and be a part of our lives, they would have loved to have seen how Theo has matured this last year, they would have been going on dog walks with us and joining us for picnics this summer and I'm pretty sure my garden would be a lot tidier and my house a lot tidier too!

I miss you Dad so much, I really hope you've had your cider in heaven or wherever you are, Happy Birthday with special love xx

The writing below was what I wrote for Dad for his funeral:

My Dad

 

My dad. He was a man that you couldn’t help loving, so strong, so kind and caring. The reason I loved him so much was because we chose to love each other. There was nothing I liked better than a hug from my dad now all I’ve got are the memories and warmth from the love he gave. There are so many memories of my dad but here are just a few things I’ll remember about him.

 

I’ll remember all the times we shared, the secret trips when we never knew where we were going till we got there. The times at home playing cards and never being able to beat him, watching the northern lights or the kestrel hovering in the garden, the bonfires on bonfire night and the Halloween lanterns carved out of swede.

 

I’ll remember all the things he did for me, looking after me when I was unwell, the perfectly boiled eggs, the house moves he helped me with, the gardening he did for me, the birthday cakes he baked for me including the first one he did where the icing had all melted down the sides and you could just make out the happy birthday Ruth.

 

I’ll remember the things he made for me, the guinea pig run from the old coal bunker, the dolls house and the furniture that he made, the cross stitch picture, and most recently a rug for Theo.

 

I’ll remember his trips to the salerooms in Penrith and here in Teignmouth returning with his many bargains most useful but even those without a use usually ended up becoming part of his many schemes and plans to fix this or mend that.

 

I’ll remember his porch that he built, that fell down and then was revamped complete with screwdriver to keep it from falling down again. His waterbutt system that took many hours to devise.

 

I’ll remember him for what he meant to me, a dad, a carer, a protector, my best friend, my gardening advisor, my driving instructor even after I drove on the wrong side of the road with a car coming the other way, and even a tipster on Grand National Day.

 

I’ll remember his smile, his laugh, his big hands, his cap, his patience with me, his hugs, the way he could always get the numbers bit on Countdown, his strength and kindness.

 

I couldn’t have wished for a better Dad and although I’ll miss him terribly I know he’ll be looking after me in his own special way and I’m going to keep remembering, keep smiling, keep feeling the warmth of his love around me and keep making him proud of me.

 

I want to say thankyou for being the best dad ever, the dad I never thought I’d have, I just want to end with a poem that I found that says it all.

 

You can shed tears that he is gone

Or smile that he has lived

 

You can close your eyes and pray he’ll come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

 

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him

Or you can be full of the love you share

 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

 

You can remember him only that he has gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

 

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he’d want, smile, open your eyes, love and go on.