Freddy! That's what I call my Fibromyalgia and he's being a pain today...literally. What I would like to know is how can a walk with the boys and the dogs leave me in so much pain. I cannot walk on my right foot tonight, it feels like I should have fallen on it and twisted the ankle and it should be black and blue with bruises but no nothing just the fibromyalgia, over reacting, annoying fibromyalgia.
I don't like complaining, Mark's not well, fluey thing. I don't want to plaster it all over facebook, people don't want to read sad things or moaning. So i'll bring it here, where I come if I need to talk and don't know who else or what else to talk to.
Really feeling cross with it all today. I didn't go too far with the boys, yes I wore wellies which I know Freddy doesn't like because it's a bit of extra weight to carry, but please just give me a break. Please let me for once wake up without having to stoop like an old lady to get to the toilet. Please for once can I be able to get out of bed without having to hold onto the cupboard and haul myself out, let me muscles work first thing in the morning, let me be able to walk down the stairs without having to hold on tightly to the bannister as every step is painful. Let me head be pain free, let me not feel sick when i've eaten. Please for one day just let me be able to go for a walk without feeling like i've run a marathon.
Moan over, normal service will now resume.

Nearly 2015, I wonder how many posts I'll get in next year?
I wish everyone who reads this the best of everything they wish for themselves.
x

Visiting Mum

Visiting Mum

 

Mum, what would you say?

Mum, what would you do?

In times when I need to talk

I can no longer come and see you.

 

I talk to you constantly

Replies racing through my mind

'Least said, soonest mended'

'Always try to be kind'

 

You were caring and compassionate

You always said what was true

Even when it might hurt a little

You were always true to you.

 

Mum, I miss your frankness

Your laughter and your twinkling smile

It's been four and a half years now

so short and at the same time a huge while.

 

I still see you in my mind's eye,

Your warmth still holds me close

but it's your hugs and words of wisdom

that I miss the very most.

 

So I sit here as the morning sunshine

beats down warmly on my face

I cherish all the times we shared

whilst I think about them in this place.

 

The sun I feel is not just the sun

I know that truly in my heart

It's your love that you send down to me

to show we'll never be apart.

 

Whenever I need to talk to you

or need a hug so much

you send me signs to show you hear

and send the rain and sun to touch.

 

I love you Mum and miss you

with each and every passing day.

I'm being stronger and do less crying

well in public it's the best way.

 

My tears will leak and tumble down

when standing by your polished stone

But I know that you are here with me

and I'll Never be alone.

 

I know that you have understood

why my visits are less frequent

it's not that I've forgotten you

or I'm turning all delinquent.

 

I have my own wonderful family

who need me to be there

So sometimes on your birthday Mum

I have to whisper you a little prayer.

 

So thank you Mum for listening

to these words I come to say

I keep your love within me

each and every single day.

 

Happy Birthday Mum, Love and Miss you Always

Your darling girl

Ruth xx

 

A busy day ended with some sadness. Our gerbils live in our kitchen and just get on with their lives being no trouble to anyone. We feed them, we clean them out they get out and have a ride round in their plastic balls. They are part of our family. Tonight I was aware that the noise levels from the kitchen weren't as loud as they normally are with two gerbils running round and discovered that Theo's gerbil Messi has sadly died. She was a real sweetie, blond in colour and always the thinner of the two gerbils. She was more shy but had recently been brave to come and get her daily treat at the doorway.
So we told Theo and had tears and upset, it's taken me two hours to settle him. I cried harder than I probably should have done because of losing Mum, it brings it all back. He didn't want to see Messi so i've carefully wrapped her up ready for the burial tomorrow. He decided how he wanted her wrapped and I've cut up a pink scarf I had as a special burial cloak.
It's always sad to lose any animal as they are part of the family, Night Sky the gerbil that is left seems happy enough mooching around on her own in the gerbilarium. I hate saying goodbyes, tomorrow is going to be horrible.
Rest in peace Messi, I hope you enjoyed your life with us, thank you for being such a lovely gerbil for Theo.
xxx

Sunny days, fires and nearly hot chocolate!

I'm full of cold still, have been for a few days, tricky when you already have fibromyalgia to deal with as well. I suppose that's why it takes so long to shift these fairly normal occurrences. Anyway no time to sit and mope about today, Oli was off playing at a friend's house so I took Theo to a different friend and was expecting to sit quietly while they played on the trampoline and made dens. No such luck...'please can we make a fire?' Training to be a Forest School Leader is great but it also comes with the aspect that whenever a child is around they want to be lighting fires with my fire lighter (which luckily I now keep in my handbag so I have it for just these occasions). So we built a small fire which soon went out when the boys got distracted with other things. Built a second one and then christened their brand new, shiny Kelly Kettle. We ended the afternoon with warm hot chocolate but like I tell them in Forest School it's a treat and we've made that happen by keeping the fire going. I love days like today, getting the children out and about in the fresh air, playing with sticks and finding things that would make good fires. The dead leaves around the laurel bush went off like firecrackers...they liked those lots!

Makes me sad

Day 3 of the Easter holidays and it's tinged with sadness. I had a blood test this morning to check my thyroid levels as I'm subclinically hypothyroid. Have symptoms but not being treated or something like that anyway. 

Mark came home so he was collected from Exeter train station this afternoon. We've had a day at home today in between jobs. I was going to go swimming but found out the pool would have closed by the time I got up there after eating so that's a shame.

Anyway today Peaches Geldof has been found dead at her home, she was 25 years old. It has really made me feel sad. I was a fan of her Mum's Paula Yates and followed her with interest, used to watch her on the TV on the various shows she was involved in. Then followed the news when she died and the battle to keep Heavenly with her sisters and Bob Geldof as he dad had died too. So it was a shock to read today that she has died. There are no details as to how she died, a mother of two very young boys we can only presume that perhaps the stress has got to her somehow. What she must have been going through having lost her own Mum we can only begin to imagine for someone so young. Becoming a Mum herself it must have hit her pretty hard that her own Mum was never going to see those boys, never going to share in them growing up. It's hard enough for me knowing that my Mum isn't going to be here to see them developing into the lovely young men I know they will become but I would hope that life never seems so unbearable that I would feel the need to turn to drugs or alcohol to help myself feel better. 

I have my low days, low weeks even but never would I dream of taking my own life. So for someone, if indeed that is what has happened, to do that things must have been pretty bleak. 

I feel for her Dad, Bob Geldof, who has lived through so much heartache already and now has to go through it all again...and worse....thoughts are with you and your family Sir Bob, thoughts are with those two boys.

RIP Peaches, may you find some peace wherever you may be. 

Day Two of the Easter holidays saw us taking a dip at Finlake after renewing my membership. Shame Mark couldn't be there to join in the fun too. It was the first time i'd been swimming with the boys where they were getting changed on their own without me in the room with them but I need not have worried they were beautifully behaved and managed it all without any fuss or nonsense. I must admit to being a tad grateful that I could just concentrate on getting myself changed. After the swim we stayed for a yummy carvery.

We drove home in the drizzle and picked up the dogs and headed out again to Stover for a walk in the woods. Oli took his ball with him and played dodge the poo! He did a pretty good job of it too.
Then it was home for some ironing (oh the joys) and trying to get my tummy to feel less full. I feel happy to have had some exercise though and can't wait till tomorrow when we can go swimming again hopefully! Just like we are on holiday! Oh yes forgot we are..... :)

 

Here are the boys with the 'yellow tufted birdy thing' and showing off the football skills at Stover.

Day One - Easter Holidays

Day One - Easter Holidays
After a busy start to the day with swimming lessons and Dance lessons the day slowed with a film and a cuddle on the sofa whilst eating lunch. Some science fiction/action type film, the name eludes me. Then it was off to Stover for a walk and kickabout with the boys and dogs. Mark is away in Croydon at the moment so had a chat to him on the phone before his marathon shift. Home and discovered what we think is a robin's egg in the garden, it was cold and when Oli tried to sit on it he cracked it and discovered 'an egg'. They were quite amazed to see that it was just like a normal egg but on a tinier scale. Then after managing to get a couple of jobs done it was tea time and time for another film. National Treasure which we realised once we'd started it that we'd seen it before but it was a good film so the boys carried on watching it whilst I washed up. Late into bed tonight after speaking to Mark on the phone and reading our story. The boys watched videos of themselves that they'd been making. I'm hoping for a restful evening now before I head up to bed.

Mother's Day

To be a Mum is to be the queen yet a worker all in one.

You love, you toil tirelessly,  your day is never done.

To lose a Mum is to lose a special piece of your heart

You never want her to leave, never to be apart.

So on Mother's Day remember not only the Mums that are here

But think about those who in our hearts we hold dear.

On Mother's Day I think of you as I lay flowers at your grave

I weep silently and try to remember those hugs that I crave.

Your love for me was endless, pure and simple too

Never questioned needlessly the many things I do.

I miss you Mum, the pain inside it never goes away

I wish that I could see you even just for one more day.

I'd hold you close, I'd tell you how much you mean to me

I know that seeing you like that is never going to be.

But I know that you are watching over my precious family

Caring for us, guiding us through, steadfastly.

I thank you on this day Mum and every other too

For giving so much love and just for being you.

Love you specially Mum always xxx 

Valentine's Day Anniversary

Well I made it through yesterday, lots of tears first thing and last thing but whilst I was at school I managed to keep it under control. It's really hard to feel such pain and keep it hidden all the time though. Like I said to my brother on the phone...it's just not fair. Why were you taken from us so soon? I get really cross at times about this and do feel like contacting the hospital but at the end of the day it is not going to bring you back so I stop myself getting cross and angry and try to concentrate on the good times, the fun times and the love you gave me and still do.
I'm trying to get some video clips onto youtube to share with the family but it's not working and I'm so tired now at the end of half term, I'm going to get Mark to have a look and see if he can help out to get it working.


I love you so much Mum, you mean so much to me, you gave me so much and supported me so ferociously through life. I miss having you fighting for my corner, standing there urging me on, advising me on the best way to deal with whatever issue I was facing at the time....I told you before you died that you were my rock...I still like to think that you are still there rooting for me and sending me those little 'Godwinks'.


special love Mum always
xxx

So sad....

Well Mum....it's very nearly 4 years since you died. This time four years ago I was sitting in the hospital holding your hand, talking to you and praying that everything was going to be ok. The hospital were doing various tests because you weren't responding as you should have been and the blood tests were going the wrong way.
I miss you so so much, nobody will understand how close we were and what you mean to me. Tonight Oli moved up into Cubs and was invested.....I shed a few more tears than I probably should because I know you would have been there smiling and you would be so proud of the young man he is becoming and Theo there standing proudly watching too.
Mum I don't know how I'm going to be tomorrow I have spent the last two weeks talking to myself, telling myself to be strong and happy and keep smiling, thinking that this year I can do it, I can get through without tears but the minute I let my guard down the tears fall and the sadness overwhelms me. Life without you is so hard, each day I want to talk to you, tell you things, have a hug like only you can give me. Share with you the things I've been doing, discuss the problems I have, talk through the exciting things that are happening with the boys. Theo starting drum lessons....he's finally showing an interest in something that he can do on his own. I'm so very proud of the boys Mum, I know you would be too.
I miss you all the time, I love you always
tomorrow will be hard but I will try to keep positive and smile.
love you specially Mum always xxxxx