Memories of Mum

 

Six years ago today I was without my Mum, in the early hours of the morning on 14th February 2010 I was told by a doctor that my Mum only had half an hour to live. Half an hour...what can I do with half an hour when I needed a lifetime to tell my Mum how special she was to me. I watched brokenhearted as machine after machine was switched off and watched the life ebb out of my lovely Mum. I had to tell my sons that their beloved Nanny was coming back no more. My youngest who was 4 at the time asked me why she had died when hospitals are supposed to take care of you. How could I answer? I couldn't then and I still can't but what I do know is that perhaps just perhaps my Mum would still be here today if the hospital had had enough staff on duty to notice that Mum's bloods were going the wrong way sooner that perhaps she would be sharing lunch with us today if the dialysis machine had worked properly.

 

I miss my Mum with a passion that only I feel, I have an anger in me that rises up from time to time, should I have complained at the time, should I complain now? It won't make any difference because times have changed, the government are messing with the NHS, they are taking away people's pride and passion for looking for and caring for people. Damn you......

 

Six years ago yesterday I sat by my Mum's side in ICU...one to one care I was promised....the entire time I was in that room there were four nurses trying to look after 8 people and then the ward was empty for two hours as the two nurses left on duty were taking people to other wards to be looked after and cared for. I spent several hours listening to the ward sister on the phone pleading with people to come into work to put their lives on hold to help save other lives. I listened to her explaining that there wasn't enough staff. I listened to her sighs as she replaced the phone yet again after failing to connect with someone's conscience. Why should they interrupt their weekend off to work when they weren't respected by their bosses or listened to by the government?

 

Six years ago today I held onto my Mum's hand and begged her to stay with me, I begged her to squeeze my hand and I prayed for her eyes to focus on me on her surroundings. She spoke to me in my mind....'I'm tired sweetheart, it's time for me to go.' I knew she was going before the Dr announced it to me in the waiting room. I knew that she was leaving us....but would she have gone had things been just slightly different. I doubt it...in my heart I knew she wasn't going to be the same if she ever came through but I didn't want to say goodbye to her.

 

Grieving takes many forms, I get cross, I get upset, I feel empty, I cry for no reason, I smile when I remember the times we shared, I giggle when I remember our mad moments together. I am still grieving, I will always be grieving because there are people out there who never met my Mum, they don't understand why I'm so sad at certain times in the year.....

 

For those of you that knew my Mum you understand....she was so very special, she was formidable, she was my rock. I miss her every single day. Anniversaries get harder because my body lets me grieve a little more each year. It's hard remembering what I was doing six years ago today....so on Valentine's Day don't spend heaps of money, just take the hand of those nearest and dearest, look them in the eyes and tell them what they mean to you...tell them now......hug them NOW....tomorrow might be too late.

 

Love you always Mum, you know that and I know you are still near us and with us, helping and sending us signs. I love you specially and always will

love darling girl

Ruth xx