Apple Tree

Dear Mum,
We planted an apple tree in your memory yesterday. The boys were going to do it on their own but I helped them in the end. I managed to keep composed during the planting. We planted one for Fred and Maureen as well as a thank you for all their help with the building.
I'm afraid it's left me feeling particularly emotional again. I was putting Oli to bed tonight and just couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. It was dark and he couldn't see, I have a cold so a sniffy nose was nothing for him to worry about. I kept going over in my head what happened at the hospital and wondering how I could turn back time and make things go right....make it so that you could have come home. make it so that you could be here right now and you are only a phonecall away when I want to talk to you.

Christmas is looming again and once again I have to try and get into the spirit of it all, try and be happy and excited for the boys but always, always there is a part of me that aches, an emptiness that cannot be filled by anyone else. It'll be my birthday again soon as well, that's always a hard one to get through without you here, I always treat myself to something that I know you would have bought me. It's going to be a nice top this year. When I wear it I will think about you, I think about you all the time, you are very much still part of my life. The way I think about things, the way I act, especially at the school I have a calmness that I know comes from you. I know what you would do or say in any given situation. But it's just not the same as having you here, smelling you, touching you, having those hugs, hearing your heart beating in it's unusual way. Your soft skin, your grin, your dimples. Mum I miss you so much.

I don't think anyone will realise how much. Gary Speed took his own life this morning. What is that all about? Why do people feel so desperate that they have to do this. He had children, those children must be devastated, to be without a father at such a young age. I really feel for his family, every year a month from Christmas they will feel what I feel. Every year on this day they will wonder why. I still wonder if I should have complained more about the way the hospital dealt with things, a broken dialysis machine, no one to one care in Intensive care, being left for an hour or more without anyone watching over you except me.
I can't bring you back, but I can remember, I can remember what you taught me, how you would have liked me to be with others, I will try and remind the boys what you were like and get them to behave in a kind and respectful way with everyone.

I love you so very specially Mum, thank you for giving me your everything,
your darling girl
Ruth xxxxx